“A Time, Lost in Time”

On a Sunday night not long ago, I stepped out of the warm glow of my church during an uplifting time of worship and teaching to answer a persistent call from my son Kevin. He and my daughter in law were almost to their destination, after leaving us in the early morning hours that same day to start their long drive back to Idaho where Kevin currently serves in the Air Force. What I heard when I answered that call will forever be imbedded in my consciousness. What I heard was the desperate cries of my son, telling me that a drunk driver had hit him and his wife, and that my daughter in law Samantha was gravely injured.

My whole world imploded on me at that moment. “Oh God PLEASE! This can’t be happening!” I knew from my son’s description of Sam that it was bad, VERY bad. The level of despair I felt at that moment was something I had only read of “other people” experiencing. I have Technicolor memories of that night and the week to follow: Staying up all night to find the quickest flight to Boise, the six days spent at Sam’s bedside in ICU. Her mother and sister receiving Christ, my 17 year old son Seth leading over forty adults in prayer back home, and exactly one week from when I kissed her good-bye at my door, I had to kiss my sweet 23 year old daughter in law good-bye for the last time as she passed from this life to be with the God she loved.

Soon afterwards I brought my devastated, but physically whole son home. The outpouring of love, prayers and support from our Pastors and church family as well as the amazing grace shown to us from the US Air Force in Idaho, has been incredible. My own brothers and sisters circled around us like an old Western Wagon Train. What I discovered however was as amazing as the support has been, it cannot shield or protect you from the pain you feel.

My husband and I have talked about how surreal it is to go to work everyday, and otherwise look and function normally, but this isn’t normal for us. We joke about how we miss “our old life.” We feel like we are living in another dimension, “a time lost in time.” Grief is a state of being that feels ‘unreal’. For me personally, grieving has brought me closer to the reality of eternity than I would otherwise experience, making this temporal life, become...well, more temporal. It doesn’t feel as real as before. I don’t feel like I fit in my old life anymore than I felt I fit in my first day of Junior High.

I am grateful to know that “abnormal feelings under abnormal circumstances are normal,” and that God will one day, as he has so many times in my life, reveal his greater purpose. So much personal suffering and hope for healing will result in bringing glory to God. That is the God I love. That is the God Samantha loved. I trust in Him.

God’s word in 2nd Cor. 12:9 says: “My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” In Psalm 46:10: “Be still and know that I am God.” So for now, for this season God has called me to lay down everything I knew of my life before, so that I might know on a deeper level, the God who did not spare his own son, yet chose to spare mine. I want to know Him.

Love With The Lights On

I think it is ironic given the title of my latest blog that I write it as I sit at a small table in the darkness of my bedroom, with only a very small night-light for illumination. My husband is sleeping just a few feet away from me, and although he often accommodates my night owl ways by trying to sleep with the room light on, I’ve decided to cut him a break tonight. Thus, I am in the dark.

Tonight we wrapped up a final session with one of our latest Pre-Marital couples. My husband and I truly enjoy mentoring the soon-to-be married. Our experiences with them have been as diverse as the people themselves, and we’ve come to love them all. Every now and then, we get a couple that we just bond deeply with, case in point, our couple tonight.

For a concentrated period of time, they become part of our DNA, “our kids”. We invest our prayers, our hearts, and impart to them whatever wisdom God has graced us with. We tell them that our goal is to teach them to “love with the lights on”. We want them to take off the ‘rose colored glasses’, often associated with new love, and make the most important decision of their life with a truer picture of the person they’ve chosen to marry.

Our most recent Pre-Marital couple came to us with open and teachable hearts. They had concerns for their relationship, very common concerns. She stated: “I often don’t feel that he understands me, or what my needs are. When I am upset about something, he just seems to shut down, to withdraw…the conversation ends too soon, and I don’t feel cared for.” He responded by saying: “Sometimes she initiates important conversations when I am just too tired at the end of a long day. I try to hang in there, but if I don’t think that I can fix whatever is troubling her, I feel frustrated and I need to get away. I know that this upsets her, but I don’t know what else to do.”

I don’t know if this sounds familiar to you, but I can tell you from experience, that my husband and I hear this fairly often. When you break it down, what each person is really saying is this: “I DON’T FEEL UNDERSTOOD!” When you don’t feel understood, you don’t feel safe, and when you don’t feel safe you either go into self-defense mode (fight), or you shut down (freeze), or you get emotionally flooded and withdraw (flight).

In the case of this couple, she didn’t need him to “fix” her. She wanted him to understand how she felt; he could only do that by listening to her. We taught him active listening skills, and discussed what he could say and do with body language, that would make her feel heard by him (aka: cared for). We taught her the importance of timing in initiating an important conversation. She now knows that if he is tired, he most likely will not be fully engaged in the conversation, so she checks it out with him first. If necessary, they schedule the conversation for a better time. Ultimately they were able to see past their anger and withdrawing, and see what was underlining those responses. Bottom line; their eyes were opened to each other.

Now they seek to understand, rather than to be understood. How great would all of our relationships be if we took that approach? Love with the lights on means you see clearly one another’s hearts. You give your spouse a good motive until proven otherwise. You accept each other’s imperfections, and although you know what buttons to push, you choose not to push them.
I am just about finished writing now, and I look over at my snoozing man. Even though at this moment he is just a shadowy figure in my bed, I know my husband from head to toe, inside and out, the good, the great, and the sometimes not so great. In the end it comes down to this: I like what I see!

Still Crazy After All These Years

This 4th of July, my hubby and I celebrated out 18th Wedding Anniversary. We celebrated by spending time together talking about our favorite subject: Marriage. Our marriage actually, I thought you might like to play fly on the wall and listen in on our conversation….


Kelly: Happy Anniversary sweetie, I can’t believe it’s been 18 years!
Gus: Happy Anniversary to you, it feels more like 18 weeks to me! Thank you for marrying me.
Kelly: I am just glad you asked! How soon after we started dating, did you know that I was the girl for you?
Gus: Not long, I really didn’t know if you liked me. I kept waiting for the “you’re a nice guy but…”
Kelly: Yeah, I’m sure all my kisses and hugs really confused you!
Gus: No really, I wasn’t sure until you baked cookies for me a couple of months after we met. I told myself: “if these are soft and chewy, and not hard like hockey pucks, then I’m sunk”! And they were perfect!
Kelly: Wow! I wish I knew that was all it took to hook you; I could have saved a fortune on new clothes, new hairstyle, and make up!
Gus: I’ve always appreciated the way you take care of yourself, and the girlie girl in you. You look hot!
Kelly: Thank you! Keep those compliments coming babe.
I want to get a little serious and ask you; in looking back, what do you think was our biggest challenge in the beginning of our marriage?
Gus: For me, it was your becoming pregnant so soon after we married.
Kelly: Yeah, that was tough…it was like you married this nice, happy, content woman, and then 6 weeks later when the pregnancy hormones kicked in, you were married to psycho woman!
Gus: Before we knew you were pregnant, I thought I got the old "bait and switch”! We hadn’t really known each other long before we married, so it threw me off guard. It was more than just your change in moods; it was also the effect it had on our financial situation, and we had just blended a family. It was a lot to deal with our first year, but it all worked out. God’s timing was perfect; the baby became the glue that bonded us together and kept us focused on succeeding as a family.
What do you think was our biggest challenge in the beginning?
Kelly: For me, our biggest challenge was my two preteens. They were so used to having me to themselves for most of their lives. In less than a year’s time, they had to share me with you, and a new baby. I just assumed that they would be thrilled to finally have a dad, and a great one at that! I had no concept of the difficulty in blending a family. It took years, as we now know is typical, but we blended.
Let me ask you this; what do you wish we had done differently?
Gus: I know that if a couple came to us for Pre-Marital counseling now, that was identical to the situation we were in when we were engaged, I would tell them to slow down, to WAIT! But in all honesty, I don’t think I could have waited any longer to marry you. I just wish that we had loved the kids more…and not sweat so much over the small stuff.
Kelly: Me too honey, me too.
So where do we go from here? What’s the plan for the next 18 years?
Gus: I like to think of our future together as described in the last book from the Narnia series that C.S. Lewis wrote, The Last Battle. In the story, Aslan leads the Pevensie children to his country, telling them to go “further up and further in,” to a country which is revealed to be the “real Narnia”. For them, it was only the beginning of the true story, which goes on forever, and in which every chapter is better than the one before.
Kelly: That’s gooood! I like how you think! Now where do you think we should go to dinner tonight?
Gus: It doesn’t matter to me.
Kelly: What do you feel like eating?
Gus: I don’t care as long as its food.
Kelly: You drive me nuts sometimes do you know that?
Gus: Yes, it goes both ways, but I love you like crazy.
Kelly: Me too honey, me too.

APATHETIC MINUS THE A, IS JUST PATHETIC!

Imagine that a married couple is out sailing in deep waters. The sky has turned from blue to gray, a storm is coming, and they both see it, but fail to turn the boat around and head back to the harbor. Conditions are so bad that they both fall overboard into the sea. The couple is treading, barely keeping their chins above water. God sees their condition and sends them a life preserver, but they choose to let it float on by. They decide to wait for something else, thinking if maybe they wait a little longer, the storm will pass and they can swim to safety on their own. In reality the waves are getting worse. This couple is in danger of drowning and they don’t even realize it.


So often, my husband and I come across couples that remind me of the ones in my story.
They know that their marriage needs attention. In fact many are aware that their marriages are in trouble. And although their relationship is in need of a life preserver, they do nothing. They don’t see that they are swimming in a sea of apathy. And that’s dangerous.

Just so we are all up to date on our vocabulary, as a courtesy I offer you the following definition of Apathetic: Showing little or no emotion or animation, a marked lack of interest, indifferent, dull, frigid, cold blooded, obtuse, half-hearted, tamed, numb, disinterested and detached.

Do you know any marriages like that? Unfortunately, I do. So the question becomes: What is the root cause of apathy in marriage? The answer is simple really: LIFE!
When your focus is more on the daily demands of life such as; work, building wealth, planning for the future, children, and their extra curricular activities, education (the kids or possibly yours) and not your relationship with your spouse, you can become apathetic.

All of the above examples take energy, and require a certain amount of attention. However, it is common for those couples that are not resolving their marital issues, or making the time to invest in their primary relationship, to withdraw or isolate from each other emotionally. They eventually place their time and energy in other things and people. Over time, they develop separate lives. They live together, but they only cross paths to discuss the children, and coordinate their schedules. They look a lot like most couples, but the spark isn’t there, they are just functioning, not thriving. I bet that wasn’t what they had planned, when they first started out.

My husband and I are big on the idea of having an Epic Romance with each other. During our early years as a couple, life threw us every curve ball imaginable. We often felt like the couple in my story, being tossed about in the ocean. There was one little difference though. We took the Life Preserver. We made a decision from the start to put God first in our marriage. Without Him we were just too selfish and headstrong. Left on our own, we could have inflicted some serious damage to our marriage.

Instead, we invested time into our relationship. We continued to ‘date each other,’ making a pact with each other, not to talk about our five children on our dates. We made a game out of how many distractions we could ignore in the name of intimacy. We attended every marriage conference and church offered retreat that was available. We continue to do all these things, because it’s both good for us, and fun too! We put our marriage first, on purpose. We have heard it said, that with the passage of time, romantic love for one another would fade. We won’t settle for that. Neither should you. That would be truly pathetic.


But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” James 1:6

IN-LAWS vs. OUTLAWS: Protect your Marriage with Healthy Boundaries

I love to read online polls. This one caught my attention. When asked: Do you have supportive in-laws? Out of a total of 482 votes, 18% answered YES, 51% answered NO, and 29% answered SOMETIMES. When asked: Do your in-laws create problems in your marriage? Of the 2,218 who voted, 84% answered YES, 2% answered NO, and 13% answered SOMETIMES. I know, that there are some great in-laws out there. I personally purpose it in my actions to be one of the better ones. But even great in-laws can overstep their bounds, when it comes to their married children and their spouses.

So what do you do when your in-laws are acting more like outlaws?
I wish I could tell you that I don’t have personal experience in this area. I am so blessed to be married to a wonderful man, who is dedicated to God, me and his kids, all five of them. He’s a great guy all around, and his mother did a great job raising him, mostly on her own. The problem? She just doesn’t like me, and for many years she didn’t do anything to hide that fact. We could never seem to find common ground, and apparently the fact that we both loved her son very much, didn’t seem to make a difference.

I always tried to be kind, and respectful, but her behavior towards me over the years became increasingly hostile, until my husband stepped in, and stood up for me. I was not only greatly appreciative of him for doing that, I was relieved that what had been an Elephant in the room when his parents came to visit, was now out in the open. Unfortunately the result was a permanent rift between his parents and us. This was their choice, not ours.

Not all problems with in laws are specifically with mother in-laws’. I was married previously, many years before I met my wonderful husband. My former father in-law, thought it perfectly within his right to drop in on his son and his new bride at any time, at all hours without warning. We were not too happy with this arrangement, and it just put another strain on our young marriage. I wanted my husband to tell his dad to call us first, to see if we were available for a visit, but my former husband did not want to hurt his dad’s feelings, so he avoided the confrontation altogether.

Here is a list of the top five complaints that I have personally heard from wives concerning their spouse’s parents.

1. My in law’s continue to drop in on us, without calling first.
2. My mother in law criticizes the way I: dress, cook, mother my children, keep house (Pick any or all of the  above).
3. My in laws ignore me; they act like I don’t exist.
4. My mother in law is jealous of my relationship with her son.
5. My in laws blame me for their son’s detachment towards them.


Interestingly, the husbands I have spoken with have few complaints regarding the in-laws. They do have a difficult time dealing with the friction between their wife and her own parents, and they are very frustrated when their mother and wife do not get along.

Most men want to fix things, its what they do, and part of the wonderful way God wired them. But when in- laws become outlaws, there is no easy fix. What you can do is set up healthy boundaries (aka limits) for your marriage. Here are a few suggestions:


First: Recognize that the behavior is destructive. This can be tricky, because when approaching your spouse about their parent’s behavior, what you see as controlling, manipulative, and rude, is seen by your spouse as normal behavior. After all, they have been around their parents the longest. They may not see the forest for the trees at first. So be tactful, and show patience and compassion toward your spouse.


Second: Be courageous in confronting your parents about it. A general rule of thumb is this: If you wouldn’t allow a perfect stranger to treat your spouse this way, then you shouldn’t allow a family member to do it either. It is very, very important, that if your mother or father is hurting your spouse, in any way, that you deal with your parents directly. The day you married, your alliance changed over from your parents to your spouse. You and your spouse are a team! If one of you loses, you both lose.


Third: Decide together what those boundaries should be. As well as make a plan in advance on how to deal with your in-laws if the boundaries are not respected. For example: You may not be able to prevent your parents from stopping by unannounced, but you don’t have to open the door. Eventually, they will call first to see if you are available for a visit.

Studies have shown; that if you have interfering in-laws, you may have a troubled marriage. So take care of your marriage first. Whether your in-laws have good motives or not, you have the right to be treated with respect, and so do they. Be kind, generous with your time, and attention. As parents, we still want to be relevant in our adult children’s lives. It can be hard to let go for some, and accept that someone else is #1.

If you have children, then someday you may be someone’s in-law. Remember that. Start planning now, on how to be a great one!


“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him, who is the Head, that is, Christ”. Ephesians 4:15

When You Love On Purpose

Yesterday was a hard day. You see we had a death in the family. We lost Andrea, a forty eight year old single mother to one grown daughter, and three mostly grown boys. How was she related to my family? She was once married to my first husband and she was Stepmother to my two older children.

I was first introduced to Andrea, (soon to be my ex-husbands second wife), about 21 years ago. I guess I didn’t make a great first impression, because I tried to warn her away from him. She had a child from a previous relationship, and my ex-husband rarely, if ever paid his child-support. I thought that information should make a difference to her, but love is blind, and she didn’t listen to me, a complete stranger, not to mention her fiancé’s ex-wife. Go figure!

I knew that Andrea would play an important role in my children’s lives, and I wanted her to be good to them, so I made up my mind to be nice to her if it killed me. It almost did! My ex filled her head with so many insecurities regarding me, and his post divorce feelings towards me, which was utter nonsense. I believe actions, trump mere words, and his actions towards me did not spell L O V E! Regardless, the damage was done, and the next several years were contentious at best, and volatile at worst.

I feel compelled to write about this, because there isn’t a week that goes by, that I don’t hear from a blended family couple that is struggling in their relationship with their ex-spouse, or their child’s Stepmom or Stepdad. It is a common problem, and a sore spot in many remarriages. It causes so much stress to the adults involved, that they sometimes don’t recognize how their attitudes are affecting the children.

It is hard to be a Stepparent period, without getting Stepped On! But many times, frustrations between a Stepparent and the biological parent can result in negative behavior or attitudes from the Stepparent towards their spouse’s children. Dealing with Stepparent-Stepchild rejections can be very tricky.

In my case, I decided to take the kill’em with kindness tact. Mind you, I am far from perfect, so I wasn’t always successful in pulling this off, but I am a firm believer in feelings following actions. So I worked on getting along with my children’s Stepmom. I decided that if she was going to hate me, she was going to have to work really hard at finding a reason why. In my case the result was successful.

Andrea and I never became best buddies, but that wasn’t my goal. My goal was to create an atmosphere of mutual respect and most of all a genuine caring for each other’s children. The last time I spoke to her was a couple of days before she went home to be with her Savior. She was in the wing of the hospital where other terminally ill patients are cared for, surrounded by her daughter and three boys, and my daughter. When she woke up and slowly took in everyone who was there, her gaze caught mine, and her eyes lit up!

She was truly glad that I was there. I walked over to her, took her frail hand in mine and told her that my hubby and I would be there for her children. She looked right at me and with great physical effort whispered, “Thank you, I love you.” Then we said good-bye.

Life is such a breath my friend, do not waste the time you have. Make peace not only with God, but also with those whom God has placed in your life. Everyone in your life is there to teach you how to love. You can do it; and you just may find that one day you are filled with compassion for this person. You may even become friends that love each other.

We love, because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19

Marriage vs. Machine: Is Technology Stealing Your Intimacy?

I recently came across an article written by Artificial Intelligence researcher and author David Levy PhD. The article referred to his thesis titled: “Intimate Relationships with Artificial Partners”, in which Dr. Levy predicted that humans could marry Robots by the year 2050, and consummate those vows.


Just a recent as January 11th of this year, the company: True Companion, along with engineer and inventor Douglas Hines unveiled to the press for the first time ‘Roxxxy’ their version of a life like um, uh…sex robot.

My first reaction after reading that was Eewww! After all, who would rather replace their living, breathing red-blooded spouse for a machine? However I have noticed that over the last fifty to sixty years as technology has advanced, enabling us to become more independent as a society, the divorce rate has also risen. Could there be a correlation? After all, we can take work home with us now, leaving us with little precious time for our spouse and kids. We spend hours upon hours on our computers. Facebook, has provided instant interaction with others, and has enabled us to connect with old friends, some of whom we should not be corresponding with, if you seriously value fidelity in your marriage. Then of course, thanks to cell phones, we can be reached 24/7 by anyone. We hardly see our kids anymore, because they’re engrossed in the latest video game, or involved with any of the above-mentioned activities. And when we go to bed, we flip on the TV, until we can’t stay awake anymore.

Is it any wonder, that we see so many families, disconnected from each other? The very technology that is supposed to give us more freedom is essentially enslaving us. We are allowing “our machines” to divert our time and attention from those that deserve it the most, our spouse and our children. Could we be allowing technology to steal our intimacy in our marriages? Are we that far off from choosing to marry Robots instead of humans? David Levy says the question is not if this will happen, but when.

Let me say, that I believe technology is a wonderful thing, but so is chocolate cake! And as tempting as it is to eat it every day at every meal, if I gave in to that desire I would eventually ruin my health. If I am in bad health it affects my entire family, as they get the dregs, rather than the best of me. So how can you and I protect our marriages and families?

Most people buy insurance to protect their investments, such as cars and homes. Did you know that the second greatest investment you’ll ever make in your life is marriage? The first is surrendering your life to Christ. I suggest setting marriage protecting boundaries, which are agreed upon between you and your spouse.

My hubby likes Facebook. It has enabled him to contact a lot of old Army buddies, and I think that is great. However, he has also been contacted by a couple of old girlfriends. How do I know this? Because he told me, and he did not accept the offer to “become friends once again.” He is such a smart man; he is protecting ‘his investment.’

We also make a point to get out of the house with each other at night several times a week, even if it is just to grab a frozen yogurt or coffee. With or without kids, this is a great way to avoid the distractions that our machines at home provide. We talk on the way there, we talk while we eat, and on the way home. We are connecting, and that’s good for us.

Do put parental controls on both your TV’s and Computers. Not just for your kids, but for yourselves. We try to limit how much time the TV is on at our house. For the most part (except for sports), my hubby and I watch shows together. We don’t watch anything that we would be embarrassed to watch with our kids.

Now here is the tough suggestion, we meet with a lot of resistance on this, but trust me this will be good for you both: REMOVE THE TV AND COMPUTER FROM YOUR BEDROOM!

Your bedroom should be your sanctuary. So sanctify it! A television/computer in your bedroom is an intimacy killer. If you need to have sound in your room, get a stereo and play romantic music. Our bedroom has two purposes. One is for sleep, and the other is none of your business!

By protecting your marriage investment, you will also protect your children. Keep technology in its place. And don’t eat too much chocolate cake!

Marriage As An Olympic Sport?

As someone who has zero athletic ability, I just love watching the Winter Olympics. There is so much drama, pain, tragedy and adversity. And all that before the athletes even get to the competition! I’m a people person, so I get into all the individual stories regarding the favored athlete of the moment.  I want to know how some struggled to overcome debilitating injuries to make it to the Olympics. I’m interested in who brought their newborn baby to the games, and if their husband or wife is in the crowd cheering for them.  I want to know how they stay grounded as a person in the midst of all the media blitz and adoring fans.  Oh, and the games are fun to watch too!

It’s pretty obvious by now, that I’m very relationship minded, so I couldn’t help but wonder, how my husband and I would rate, if Marriage was an Olympic sport. Would we compete together, like the Olympic Ice Dancers do?  Or would we compete against each other even though we are on the same team, as in the Down Hill Ski Racers for instance.

Not speaking for us per se, I see some marriages as USA against Russia. Slugging it out to see who comes out the winner. Not good, in other words.

Imagine this…you are at the wedding of close friends, it is time for the Best Man to give his toast to the happy couple and he says something like this: “To my newly married best friend, I hope that he and his bride win the bronze medal, or at least make the semi finals in this great life event called marriage!”  That would be pretty shocking wouldn’t it? Because we all want to start out our marriages to win the Gold Medal, but if we don’t have a focus, a goal for our life together, we may not even come in second or third place in fact we may wipe out and get a DNF (did not finish)!

From the beginning of our marriage, my hubby and I made it our goal, to be on the same team.  All our decisions are based on what is best for ‘our team.’ We learned (after sustaining some training injuries) that in an argument, you either win as a team or you lose as a team. There is no win/lose. If one of you loses the whole team loses.  Sometimes, we just need to slow down enough to ask ourselves if the need to be right in our current situation, is what’s right for ‘our team.’  Will it move us further along the course to victory or will our unwillingness to listen to the heart of our spouse, cause us to crash. 

As you may have noticed, marriage is under attack in our culture.  Society, and all forms of media mock the institution of marriage now.  It is time to restore the value of marriage and change the culture. Don’t settle for a bronze or silver medal for your marriage, invest your time and energy in it, so that you won’t ever have to experience a DNF.  As for my team, we are far from perfect, but we will give our personal best, we won’t be satisfied with just making it to the games.  We want the Gold!

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”  Hebrews 12:1

Part 3 of Don’t End Up A Statistic!

So you believe you’ve got it right this time. Your older, wiser and you have found your “true soul mate”. Your child used to be happy about your new relationship with “Mr./Ms. Right,” but now that you have re-married their attitude has taken a 180-degree turn. You find yourself asking, “Why has this happened?”


This is the reason…. Your child is grieving. Regardless of your child’s age at the time of your divorce, in most cases, I can guarantee you that what they really want is for their parents divorce to never have happened. They want their original family unit back, and they grieve tremendously. Even if both parents remain actively involved in their children’s lives, the children still have to deal with the loss of the home they once had, and the loss of a parent. Most children suffer silently and the emotional pain they experience will manifest itself in a variety of ways.

The stages of grief in children after divorce often mirror that of adults who have suffered from the loss of a loved one. They can go into a state of denial. For example, before I married her father, my stepdaughter was my biggest champion. After our wedding, she often ignored me, and openly reminisced about happier times with her dad and mom.

Anger is another all too common stage in the grief process. Behavior problems, outwardly or passively come on pretty strong in the beginning of the blended family process. Withdrawal, sadness, attention problems, sleeps disturbances, indifference, problems in school, and “acting out” behaviors are all evidences of the grief your child is experiencing.

Guilt is also a symptom of grief. Children often believe that they are to blame for a parent leaving. It is so important that you assure your children that they are in no way responsible for your failed marriage. It is good to remind them that adults are responsible for their own behaviors. You may have to tell them this more than once.

The bottom line is this: Validate your child’s right to his/her feelings. Take positive steps to help them with the grief process, including seeking professional counseling for them if needed. But the best thing you can do for them in the long run is this: Make your Blended Family work. Don’t end up another statistic!

When my husband and I blended our family, we made a pact with each other. We were going to be an example to our children of what a loving, committed Christian marriage looked like. We were determined not to put them through another divorce. So we worked hard at learning how to communicate better, how to resolve conflict, the importance of being  united in front of them, and how to create a safe haven for each other as well as for the children.

A couple of weeks ago, a dear friend of our family sat down with my husband, and shared that as a product of divorce (both his parents were re-married, and struggling in those marriages) he was determined to not end up a statistic. He said, “ The buck stops here with me. I don’t want my children to go through what I have had to go through.” The family friend who said this is only sixteen years old! I don’t know about you, but that inspires the heck out of me, and I hope it inspires you too! Regardless of where you are in your marriage, you don’t have to end up a statistic. Stay the course, stay committed, and ask for God’s help. I promise, you and your children will reap the rewards!

“Over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
Colossians 3:14

Part 2 of Don’t End Up a Statistic

Last week I offered you some sobering statistics concerning the current state of divorce and remarriage in America.  Just to recap a bit, by the end of this year 2010, it is estimated that 60% of all families in America will be “blended families.” If you are not in a blended family, I want to encourage you to read on, as you undoubtedly will have friends or family, who are or will be part of that statistic.

If you are in a blended family you are in great company. Did you know that blended families have been around since the Book of Genesis in the bible?  Remarriage due to death and divorce were common.  Having multiple wives was not unusual, and having children by each of those wives, often resulting in intense family friction.  The Book of Genesis does not shy away from the problems they encountered as a result. One thing is for sure, the problems blended families face, are not unique. In fact, there are extremely common characteristics of a blended family, as my husband and I found out when we took it upon ourselves to learn what we could from “the experts,” and also from our counseling dozens of blended family couples over the last sixteen years. This is a small sample of what we have learned, through personal experience and listening to other’s stories:

The average family takes between two and seven years to blend.  A lot can depend on the age of your children at the time you remarry. Younger children tend to accept the stepparent at a faster pace than older children.  With adult children it can take even longer. The bonding between a stepparent and stepchild rarely equals that of biological parent and child. In my case I had not only given birth to my children, but I had 9 and 11 years of bonding with them before I married their stepfather. It is so important that you give your children and spouse a realistic timetable in which to bond.  It can take years, in fact it usually does.

Be aware of the Infatuation Stage.  Ever hear of the saying “Love is Blind?”  Well of course you have.  When two people fall in love they are usually “blind” to what seems so obvious to others.  My husband and I were recently presented with the challenge of mentoring a couple before marriage. Both had been married multiple times before, had several teenagers between them and had only known each other for a couple of months. What we saw as huge problems down the road for them, they only saw as minor issues!
The children can also succumb to a form of infatuation here. It is very common for the children involved to get caught up in the excitement of the new relationship and marriage plans, only to experience extreme grief, anger and sadness right after the “I Do’s are exchanged. And I mean right after!  We have had countless blended family couple’s tell us that there was a complete change in attitude from their children the day after the wedding!  (I will address the children more, in next week’s blog).

What on Earth Have I Done?  This is when reality hits, and you belatedly question your decision to marry again. This usually happens from the six-month mark to the end of the first year. It may even happen sooner. Instant family can mean instant challenges.

Tune in for my conclusion of Don’t End Up A Statistic! I promise it will end on a high note!

Don’t End Up A Statistic!

This is the first of a three part series on divorce, remarriage and the effects on children.

According to the Stepfamily Association of America, and many other research organizations, by the end of this year, 2010, blended families will become the dominant family form in the USA. Currently blended families surpass traditional nuclear families by a whopping 60%!

Jeanette Lofas, PhD of the Stepfamily Foundation, Inc. shares some other statistics:
The average divorce will cost the parties $15,000, and take a year to finalize. Whether it is short or long term, the economic fallout of divorce will tend to reduce the standard of living of both ex-spouses.

The impact of divorce on children is harder to measure. Each year one million of America’s children experiences divorce firsthand. Most of these children will not be in single parent homes for long, why? Statistics have shown that when divorcing under the age of 45, 80% of men and 75% of women remarry within three to four years. It has been calculated that half of all children born since 1970 will live in a blended family. Because of the unique challenges facing blended families 65% of second marriages end in divorce. The risk for divorce goes up even higher with subsequent marriages.

If you have already hit the eject button once, you are more likely to hit it again when times get rough. So my message is to avoid going there in the first place. Except in extreme cases, most people divorce over unmet expectations and a failure to communicate those expectations to one another. Also, an inability to repair arguments, leads to broken intimacy in a marriage. You can divorce proof your marriage, but you need the right tools. We are a “Do it ourselves society!” We don’t want other’s to know when we are struggling. This happens in the Church as well. We show up every week trying to be the picture of Christian unity in our marriages, when that may be far from the truth. The truth is that Church is precisely where we need to “get real” with each other and ourselves. You don’t have to be a statistic. Whether you are in a traditional marriage, or a blended family, you can make it and make it great.

My husband and I blended our families 18 years ago. It was hard. We stepped in it big time! But we made it, and we made it great. We also learned some important things along the way that we wish we had known earlier. MUCH EARLIER! I will share some of those things with you soon, so tune in next week…. there is hope for your marriage!

Please Be Kind. Don’t Rewind!

If your old enough to remember renting movies on VHS at your local video store then you probably remember the not-so-subtle reminder on the back of the video case: Please be kind, please rewind. If this is you, read on. If you’ve only been alive since movies went to DVD, then tell your parents goodnight and go to bed.

Earlier this week, I had the opportunity to discuss marriage with a small group of women at our church. In particular, we were discussing how tempting it was to bring up old offenses with our spouse. It struck me that each one of us struggled not to rewind, and play old tapes during an argument. Why is that? And how does bringing up the past, affect our present

In her powerful book: How To Argue, so Your Spouse Will Listen, Dr. Sharon Morris May states that, “Negativity is a powerful destroyer of a marriage’s safe haven. Allowing the negatives, the hurts, and the wrongs of your spouse to roll around in your mind will destroy yours as well. Bringing back past hurts and negative interactions only to chew on them again is of no value whatsoever. It does not bring about answers or solutions or increase understanding of your spouse.”

Ouch! So what can we do to retrain our brains?

Awareness is the first step. According to Dr. May, our brains have the incredible ability to keep negative thoughts of our spouse right on the surface of our hearts, without our knowing it.

The second step is to calm down. Think soothing thoughts, or say a comforting statement to disarm your spouse, which leads the way to repairing the situation.

Allow me to give you a personal example:

It was last summer, and my entire family was gathering at a local restaurant to celebrate my daughter’s birthday. I was rushing to finish my daughter’s cake, when my husband came home late from work. Unbeknownst to me he had been stuck in traffic, after having a difficult day at work. I immediately let him know that we were going to be late thanks to him, and he responded to my insensitivity, with some of his own. We then proceeded to unload an entire sandbag of old gripes against each other. We were so mad at each other that we took separate cars to the restaurant, which was less than two miles away! On the way there all I could think about was how my daughter’s birthday celebration was going to be ruined, all because of MY stubbornness. So when my husband and I pulled up to the restaurant in our separate cars, I walked right up to him, took his hand in mine and said, “I chose you, I love you, and I’m sorry for picking a fight with you.” That did it! We both instantly felt better towards each other, and we walked into the restaurant smiling and we enjoyed the rest of the evening. Staying in the present, keeping short accounts, and learning how to repair arguments with your loved one, will help to keep your marriage healthy.

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18

The Most Important Survey

My husband and I are sitting in a hotel room, waiting to catch a flight the next morning at O’ dark thirty, when I notice a survey left on the desk for us. “Fill us in, tell us your thoughts,” it beckons me. I thought back to a conversation my hubby and I had earlier in the car, in which he relayed to me a communication problem a friend of his was having with his wife. My husband’s friend (don’t worry he has many friends, you’ll never figure it out) complained that after many years of marriage he still doesn’t understand what his wife’s needs are. It made me wonder…why don’t we ask our spouses’ to fill us in on how we are doing? And ask them to tell us their thoughts.

Here is a sample survey to give your spouse, if you’re brave enough!

Answer each question with a score between 1 and 5. With 1 being poor and 5 being excellent:
#1.: Are you satisfied with the amount of time we spend together?
#2. Can you trust me?
#3. Do I make you feel secure?
#4. Do I make you feel safe?
#5. Do I make you feel valued?
#6. Am I available to you emotionally?
#7. Do I give you enough affection?
#8. Am I available to you sexually?
#9. Do I make you feel understood?
#10. Am I empathetic to your point of view?

Results (not at all scientific, so don’t divorce over this!)

0 to 15: Relationships are work, and you’ve got some work to do!
16 to 30: Be more of a listener, than a fixer!
31 to 45: Commit to learning more about your spouse today, than you did yesterday!
46 to 50: Congrats! You are meeting the longings of his/her heart!

It seems that everywhere we shop we are asked to fill out a survey. The purpose is to identify where a business is strong and where its weaknesses are. You can’t improve those weak areas if you don’t know what they are. So go ahead. Ask your spouse to “Fill me in, tell me what you think,” then listen objectively, with the sole purpose of learning how to better love, your better half!

“How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding.” Proverbs 3:13