As recently as last weekend my dear hubby and I had a whopper of an argument. To be honest, it was more like a nuclear meltdown. Typically we get along with each other really well, having spent years studying, practicing and teaching on marriage relationships. In short, we know better. So what happened?
I bet many of you married folks are like us and have what we refer to as: Fight A
This is the number one issue that comes up in most all of your arguments. Specifically it is an unresolved issue in your relationship, dating back to the beginning of time for you as a couple. It is where you go when your buttons are pushed. And who knows your buttons better than your spouse? The real question is: Do you know what your button is? Here is an example for you:
Our fight began over a parking space. Sounds silly I know, but what really happened is this; my husband was driving us through an impossibly busy shopping mall, the weather was bad outside, and I just wanted to get into the mall as soon as possible. He missed seeing some people leaving the mall, and therefore missed claiming the coveted parking spot. I not so nicely pointed out that if I were driving I would have found three parking places to his NONE! (Nice huh)? To my surprise, my husband didn’t take to that criticism very well.
In her book: How to Argue So Your Spouse Will Listen, author Sharon Morris May, Ph.D teaches that, awareness of our destructive thoughts, emotions and behavior is the first step to relational resolution and growth. We all have triggers in us that stem from unresolved hurts, unmet expectations, personality differences, gender differences and fear.
My trigger is disrespect, and my husband’s is feeling unappreciated. When I made that not so nice comment about his driving, Gus interpreted it as this: “I care more about finding the right parking space, then I do about you!” This resulted in him volleying back some choice criticisms of his own directed at hurting me. So what does this have to do with calling a time out? Simply put, when an argument between you and your spouse escalates to where you are not making progress and it’s getting out of control, one of you needs to call a time out. When all that adrenaline is flooding your body, you have no choice but to allow it to get back to normal levels before you are back in control. So call a time out, but here’s the catch: It is incumbent on the person calling the time out to set a time to resolve the issue within 24hrs. This prevents the both of you from sweeping it under the rug. You have to resolve the conflict and most importantly repair your relationship.
In their book: Mad About Us-Moving From Anger To Intimacy With Your Spouse
Authors, Gary and Carrie Oliver wrote: Anger and frustration seem to be an occupational hazard of marriage. Somewhere in the marriage process we all will become angry and frustrated with our beloved. Do I hear a resounding AMEN!
As for hubby and me, we wisely called a time out that day, and the following day we sat and hashed out our frustrations over the incident. This time calmly, and with great repentance and remorse over our previous actions. We are still in love and can move forward to “fight the GOOD fight”, which for us is bringing hope to hurting marriages.
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