When You Love On Purpose

Yesterday was a hard day. You see we had a death in the family. We lost Andrea, a forty eight year old single mother to one grown daughter, and three mostly grown boys. How was she related to my family? She was once married to my first husband and she was Stepmother to my two older children.

I was first introduced to Andrea, (soon to be my ex-husbands second wife), about 21 years ago. I guess I didn’t make a great first impression, because I tried to warn her away from him. She had a child from a previous relationship, and my ex-husband rarely, if ever paid his child-support. I thought that information should make a difference to her, but love is blind, and she didn’t listen to me, a complete stranger, not to mention her fiancé’s ex-wife. Go figure!

I knew that Andrea would play an important role in my children’s lives, and I wanted her to be good to them, so I made up my mind to be nice to her if it killed me. It almost did! My ex filled her head with so many insecurities regarding me, and his post divorce feelings towards me, which was utter nonsense. I believe actions, trump mere words, and his actions towards me did not spell L O V E! Regardless, the damage was done, and the next several years were contentious at best, and volatile at worst.

I feel compelled to write about this, because there isn’t a week that goes by, that I don’t hear from a blended family couple that is struggling in their relationship with their ex-spouse, or their child’s Stepmom or Stepdad. It is a common problem, and a sore spot in many remarriages. It causes so much stress to the adults involved, that they sometimes don’t recognize how their attitudes are affecting the children.

It is hard to be a Stepparent period, without getting Stepped On! But many times, frustrations between a Stepparent and the biological parent can result in negative behavior or attitudes from the Stepparent towards their spouse’s children. Dealing with Stepparent-Stepchild rejections can be very tricky.

In my case, I decided to take the kill’em with kindness tact. Mind you, I am far from perfect, so I wasn’t always successful in pulling this off, but I am a firm believer in feelings following actions. So I worked on getting along with my children’s Stepmom. I decided that if she was going to hate me, she was going to have to work really hard at finding a reason why. In my case the result was successful.

Andrea and I never became best buddies, but that wasn’t my goal. My goal was to create an atmosphere of mutual respect and most of all a genuine caring for each other’s children. The last time I spoke to her was a couple of days before she went home to be with her Savior. She was in the wing of the hospital where other terminally ill patients are cared for, surrounded by her daughter and three boys, and my daughter. When she woke up and slowly took in everyone who was there, her gaze caught mine, and her eyes lit up!

She was truly glad that I was there. I walked over to her, took her frail hand in mine and told her that my hubby and I would be there for her children. She looked right at me and with great physical effort whispered, “Thank you, I love you.” Then we said good-bye.

Life is such a breath my friend, do not waste the time you have. Make peace not only with God, but also with those whom God has placed in your life. Everyone in your life is there to teach you how to love. You can do it; and you just may find that one day you are filled with compassion for this person. You may even become friends that love each other.

We love, because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19