Please Be Kind. Don’t Rewind!

If your old enough to remember renting movies on VHS at your local video store then you probably remember the not-so-subtle reminder on the back of the video case: Please be kind, please rewind. If this is you, read on. If you’ve only been alive since movies went to DVD, then tell your parents goodnight and go to bed.

Earlier this week, I had the opportunity to discuss marriage with a small group of women at our church. In particular, we were discussing how tempting it was to bring up old offenses with our spouse. It struck me that each one of us struggled not to rewind, and play old tapes during an argument. Why is that? And how does bringing up the past, affect our present

In her powerful book: How To Argue, so Your Spouse Will Listen, Dr. Sharon Morris May states that, “Negativity is a powerful destroyer of a marriage’s safe haven. Allowing the negatives, the hurts, and the wrongs of your spouse to roll around in your mind will destroy yours as well. Bringing back past hurts and negative interactions only to chew on them again is of no value whatsoever. It does not bring about answers or solutions or increase understanding of your spouse.”

Ouch! So what can we do to retrain our brains?

Awareness is the first step. According to Dr. May, our brains have the incredible ability to keep negative thoughts of our spouse right on the surface of our hearts, without our knowing it.

The second step is to calm down. Think soothing thoughts, or say a comforting statement to disarm your spouse, which leads the way to repairing the situation.

Allow me to give you a personal example:

It was last summer, and my entire family was gathering at a local restaurant to celebrate my daughter’s birthday. I was rushing to finish my daughter’s cake, when my husband came home late from work. Unbeknownst to me he had been stuck in traffic, after having a difficult day at work. I immediately let him know that we were going to be late thanks to him, and he responded to my insensitivity, with some of his own. We then proceeded to unload an entire sandbag of old gripes against each other. We were so mad at each other that we took separate cars to the restaurant, which was less than two miles away! On the way there all I could think about was how my daughter’s birthday celebration was going to be ruined, all because of MY stubbornness. So when my husband and I pulled up to the restaurant in our separate cars, I walked right up to him, took his hand in mine and said, “I chose you, I love you, and I’m sorry for picking a fight with you.” That did it! We both instantly felt better towards each other, and we walked into the restaurant smiling and we enjoyed the rest of the evening. Staying in the present, keeping short accounts, and learning how to repair arguments with your loved one, will help to keep your marriage healthy.

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18