Each morning before heading off to work my hubby kisses me
and tells me he loves me, however, this morning as he leans in for a kiss I
swiftly turn my face so he misses my lips.
Smart guy, he surmises something is wrong: “What’s the matter honey?” He asks all innocent.
I reply: “I’m mad at
you, if you must know.”
Hubby: “What did I do now?”
Me: “I dreamt that I was being chased down the street by a
gang of marauding nuns and I was calling out for you to save me and you were
standing on the corner watching American Idol on your Smart phone and you told
me you would just be a minute, because it was elimination night.”
Hubby: “What”?!!
Me: “I know!” “I
can’t believe that you just left me to fend for myself…you know I have issues
with…”
Hubby: “It was just a dream.
I would never let a gang of nuns threaten my bride.”
Not quite convinced, I concluded: “Well…in any case, I’m
still mad.” My amused hubby then kissed
me and left for work.
I have learned that when it comes to my emotional reaction,
something from my past is usually driving it.
In this particular instance my fear of abandonment. My fear is that my hubby will not be
available, emotionally or physically when I need him the most. I have reason to doubt…he had let me down in
the past. Just prior to celebrating our
5th Wedding Anniversary, my mom and dad died within weeks of each
other. This was my first experience with
loss and grief; naturally I looked to my husband for comfort. Uncomfortable with my grief, he was unprepared
to give me what I needed, so he avoided me.
I do remember when he did come through a few weeks after my loss. It was after finding me in a heap on the
floor of our bedroom crying…he started to cry with me. I felt cared for and understood at that moment,
and we grew closer as a couple, having experienced the blessing that follows
being physically and emotionally available.
It restores your connection and that’s healing.
Though I have a few
trust issues from my past, most have nothing to do with my husband. For the
last six years, I have purposed to learn what these issues are, where they came
from and WHO can conquer them (hint, rhymes with Please Us). I learned to slow down and name the emotion I
was feeling (usually hurt or fear). Just
the act of putting a name to what I am feeling gives me the power to control my
reaction to them. How you may wonder?
Simple…I ask myself; “is it true?”
After all, feelings are just feelings,
they can be valid, but if based on a lie, not so much. I certainly wouldn’t
want to apply a bad motive to someone, if the intention of that someone was
misinterpreted by me.
After my hubby left for work this morning I had a cup of
coffee (“instant human”), and I asked myself: Is it true that my husband would allow me to
be harmed in anyway if he could prevent it? NO! Is it true that my
husband may make a mistake and let me down from time to time? Yes!
And should I conclude that to mean he doesn’t love and cherish me? NO!
Whew! A good reality check never hurt anyone, and if I’m ever out for a
walk and happen to see a group of nuns
that look like trouble, I’m crossing the street…fast…just in case!
Then Pilate said: “So are you king or not?” Jesus answered, “You tell me. Because I am King, I was born and entered the
world so that I could witness to the truth.
Everyone who cares for the truth, who has any feelings for the truth,
recognizes my voice.” John 18:37
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