IN-LAWS vs. OUTLAWS: Protect your Marriage with Healthy Boundaries

I love to read online polls. This one caught my attention. When asked: Do you have supportive in-laws? Out of a total of 482 votes, 18% answered YES, 51% answered NO, and 29% answered SOMETIMES. When asked: Do your in-laws create problems in your marriage? Of the 2,218 who voted, 84% answered YES, 2% answered NO, and 13% answered SOMETIMES. I know, that there are some great in-laws out there. I personally purpose it in my actions to be one of the better ones. But even great in-laws can overstep their bounds, when it comes to their married children and their spouses.

So what do you do when your in-laws are acting more like outlaws?
I wish I could tell you that I don’t have personal experience in this area. I am so blessed to be married to a wonderful man, who is dedicated to God, me and his kids, all five of them. He’s a great guy all around, and his mother did a great job raising him, mostly on her own. The problem? She just doesn’t like me, and for many years she didn’t do anything to hide that fact. We could never seem to find common ground, and apparently the fact that we both loved her son very much, didn’t seem to make a difference.

I always tried to be kind, and respectful, but her behavior towards me over the years became increasingly hostile, until my husband stepped in, and stood up for me. I was not only greatly appreciative of him for doing that, I was relieved that what had been an Elephant in the room when his parents came to visit, was now out in the open. Unfortunately the result was a permanent rift between his parents and us. This was their choice, not ours.

Not all problems with in laws are specifically with mother in-laws’. I was married previously, many years before I met my wonderful husband. My former father in-law, thought it perfectly within his right to drop in on his son and his new bride at any time, at all hours without warning. We were not too happy with this arrangement, and it just put another strain on our young marriage. I wanted my husband to tell his dad to call us first, to see if we were available for a visit, but my former husband did not want to hurt his dad’s feelings, so he avoided the confrontation altogether.

Here is a list of the top five complaints that I have personally heard from wives concerning their spouse’s parents.

1. My in law’s continue to drop in on us, without calling first.
2. My mother in law criticizes the way I: dress, cook, mother my children, keep house (Pick any or all of the  above).
3. My in laws ignore me; they act like I don’t exist.
4. My mother in law is jealous of my relationship with her son.
5. My in laws blame me for their son’s detachment towards them.


Interestingly, the husbands I have spoken with have few complaints regarding the in-laws. They do have a difficult time dealing with the friction between their wife and her own parents, and they are very frustrated when their mother and wife do not get along.

Most men want to fix things, its what they do, and part of the wonderful way God wired them. But when in- laws become outlaws, there is no easy fix. What you can do is set up healthy boundaries (aka limits) for your marriage. Here are a few suggestions:


First: Recognize that the behavior is destructive. This can be tricky, because when approaching your spouse about their parent’s behavior, what you see as controlling, manipulative, and rude, is seen by your spouse as normal behavior. After all, they have been around their parents the longest. They may not see the forest for the trees at first. So be tactful, and show patience and compassion toward your spouse.


Second: Be courageous in confronting your parents about it. A general rule of thumb is this: If you wouldn’t allow a perfect stranger to treat your spouse this way, then you shouldn’t allow a family member to do it either. It is very, very important, that if your mother or father is hurting your spouse, in any way, that you deal with your parents directly. The day you married, your alliance changed over from your parents to your spouse. You and your spouse are a team! If one of you loses, you both lose.


Third: Decide together what those boundaries should be. As well as make a plan in advance on how to deal with your in-laws if the boundaries are not respected. For example: You may not be able to prevent your parents from stopping by unannounced, but you don’t have to open the door. Eventually, they will call first to see if you are available for a visit.

Studies have shown; that if you have interfering in-laws, you may have a troubled marriage. So take care of your marriage first. Whether your in-laws have good motives or not, you have the right to be treated with respect, and so do they. Be kind, generous with your time, and attention. As parents, we still want to be relevant in our adult children’s lives. It can be hard to let go for some, and accept that someone else is #1.

If you have children, then someday you may be someone’s in-law. Remember that. Start planning now, on how to be a great one!


“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him, who is the Head, that is, Christ”. Ephesians 4:15