Part 3 of Don’t End Up A Statistic!

So you believe you’ve got it right this time. Your older, wiser and you have found your “true soul mate”. Your child used to be happy about your new relationship with “Mr./Ms. Right,” but now that you have re-married their attitude has taken a 180-degree turn. You find yourself asking, “Why has this happened?”


This is the reason…. Your child is grieving. Regardless of your child’s age at the time of your divorce, in most cases, I can guarantee you that what they really want is for their parents divorce to never have happened. They want their original family unit back, and they grieve tremendously. Even if both parents remain actively involved in their children’s lives, the children still have to deal with the loss of the home they once had, and the loss of a parent. Most children suffer silently and the emotional pain they experience will manifest itself in a variety of ways.

The stages of grief in children after divorce often mirror that of adults who have suffered from the loss of a loved one. They can go into a state of denial. For example, before I married her father, my stepdaughter was my biggest champion. After our wedding, she often ignored me, and openly reminisced about happier times with her dad and mom.

Anger is another all too common stage in the grief process. Behavior problems, outwardly or passively come on pretty strong in the beginning of the blended family process. Withdrawal, sadness, attention problems, sleeps disturbances, indifference, problems in school, and “acting out” behaviors are all evidences of the grief your child is experiencing.

Guilt is also a symptom of grief. Children often believe that they are to blame for a parent leaving. It is so important that you assure your children that they are in no way responsible for your failed marriage. It is good to remind them that adults are responsible for their own behaviors. You may have to tell them this more than once.

The bottom line is this: Validate your child’s right to his/her feelings. Take positive steps to help them with the grief process, including seeking professional counseling for them if needed. But the best thing you can do for them in the long run is this: Make your Blended Family work. Don’t end up another statistic!

When my husband and I blended our family, we made a pact with each other. We were going to be an example to our children of what a loving, committed Christian marriage looked like. We were determined not to put them through another divorce. So we worked hard at learning how to communicate better, how to resolve conflict, the importance of being  united in front of them, and how to create a safe haven for each other as well as for the children.

A couple of weeks ago, a dear friend of our family sat down with my husband, and shared that as a product of divorce (both his parents were re-married, and struggling in those marriages) he was determined to not end up a statistic. He said, “ The buck stops here with me. I don’t want my children to go through what I have had to go through.” The family friend who said this is only sixteen years old! I don’t know about you, but that inspires the heck out of me, and I hope it inspires you too! Regardless of where you are in your marriage, you don’t have to end up a statistic. Stay the course, stay committed, and ask for God’s help. I promise, you and your children will reap the rewards!

“Over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
Colossians 3:14