Don’t End Up A Statistic!

This is the first of a three part series on divorce, remarriage and the effects on children.

According to the Stepfamily Association of America, and many other research organizations, by the end of this year, 2010, blended families will become the dominant family form in the USA. Currently blended families surpass traditional nuclear families by a whopping 60%!

Jeanette Lofas, PhD of the Stepfamily Foundation, Inc. shares some other statistics:
The average divorce will cost the parties $15,000, and take a year to finalize. Whether it is short or long term, the economic fallout of divorce will tend to reduce the standard of living of both ex-spouses.

The impact of divorce on children is harder to measure. Each year one million of America’s children experiences divorce firsthand. Most of these children will not be in single parent homes for long, why? Statistics have shown that when divorcing under the age of 45, 80% of men and 75% of women remarry within three to four years. It has been calculated that half of all children born since 1970 will live in a blended family. Because of the unique challenges facing blended families 65% of second marriages end in divorce. The risk for divorce goes up even higher with subsequent marriages.

If you have already hit the eject button once, you are more likely to hit it again when times get rough. So my message is to avoid going there in the first place. Except in extreme cases, most people divorce over unmet expectations and a failure to communicate those expectations to one another. Also, an inability to repair arguments, leads to broken intimacy in a marriage. You can divorce proof your marriage, but you need the right tools. We are a “Do it ourselves society!” We don’t want other’s to know when we are struggling. This happens in the Church as well. We show up every week trying to be the picture of Christian unity in our marriages, when that may be far from the truth. The truth is that Church is precisely where we need to “get real” with each other and ourselves. You don’t have to be a statistic. Whether you are in a traditional marriage, or a blended family, you can make it and make it great.

My husband and I blended our families 18 years ago. It was hard. We stepped in it big time! But we made it, and we made it great. We also learned some important things along the way that we wish we had known earlier. MUCH EARLIER! I will share some of those things with you soon, so tune in next week…. there is hope for your marriage!

Please Be Kind. Don’t Rewind!

If your old enough to remember renting movies on VHS at your local video store then you probably remember the not-so-subtle reminder on the back of the video case: Please be kind, please rewind. If this is you, read on. If you’ve only been alive since movies went to DVD, then tell your parents goodnight and go to bed.

Earlier this week, I had the opportunity to discuss marriage with a small group of women at our church. In particular, we were discussing how tempting it was to bring up old offenses with our spouse. It struck me that each one of us struggled not to rewind, and play old tapes during an argument. Why is that? And how does bringing up the past, affect our present

In her powerful book: How To Argue, so Your Spouse Will Listen, Dr. Sharon Morris May states that, “Negativity is a powerful destroyer of a marriage’s safe haven. Allowing the negatives, the hurts, and the wrongs of your spouse to roll around in your mind will destroy yours as well. Bringing back past hurts and negative interactions only to chew on them again is of no value whatsoever. It does not bring about answers or solutions or increase understanding of your spouse.”

Ouch! So what can we do to retrain our brains?

Awareness is the first step. According to Dr. May, our brains have the incredible ability to keep negative thoughts of our spouse right on the surface of our hearts, without our knowing it.

The second step is to calm down. Think soothing thoughts, or say a comforting statement to disarm your spouse, which leads the way to repairing the situation.

Allow me to give you a personal example:

It was last summer, and my entire family was gathering at a local restaurant to celebrate my daughter’s birthday. I was rushing to finish my daughter’s cake, when my husband came home late from work. Unbeknownst to me he had been stuck in traffic, after having a difficult day at work. I immediately let him know that we were going to be late thanks to him, and he responded to my insensitivity, with some of his own. We then proceeded to unload an entire sandbag of old gripes against each other. We were so mad at each other that we took separate cars to the restaurant, which was less than two miles away! On the way there all I could think about was how my daughter’s birthday celebration was going to be ruined, all because of MY stubbornness. So when my husband and I pulled up to the restaurant in our separate cars, I walked right up to him, took his hand in mine and said, “I chose you, I love you, and I’m sorry for picking a fight with you.” That did it! We both instantly felt better towards each other, and we walked into the restaurant smiling and we enjoyed the rest of the evening. Staying in the present, keeping short accounts, and learning how to repair arguments with your loved one, will help to keep your marriage healthy.

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18

The Most Important Survey

My husband and I are sitting in a hotel room, waiting to catch a flight the next morning at O’ dark thirty, when I notice a survey left on the desk for us. “Fill us in, tell us your thoughts,” it beckons me. I thought back to a conversation my hubby and I had earlier in the car, in which he relayed to me a communication problem a friend of his was having with his wife. My husband’s friend (don’t worry he has many friends, you’ll never figure it out) complained that after many years of marriage he still doesn’t understand what his wife’s needs are. It made me wonder…why don’t we ask our spouses’ to fill us in on how we are doing? And ask them to tell us their thoughts.

Here is a sample survey to give your spouse, if you’re brave enough!

Answer each question with a score between 1 and 5. With 1 being poor and 5 being excellent:
#1.: Are you satisfied with the amount of time we spend together?
#2. Can you trust me?
#3. Do I make you feel secure?
#4. Do I make you feel safe?
#5. Do I make you feel valued?
#6. Am I available to you emotionally?
#7. Do I give you enough affection?
#8. Am I available to you sexually?
#9. Do I make you feel understood?
#10. Am I empathetic to your point of view?

Results (not at all scientific, so don’t divorce over this!)

0 to 15: Relationships are work, and you’ve got some work to do!
16 to 30: Be more of a listener, than a fixer!
31 to 45: Commit to learning more about your spouse today, than you did yesterday!
46 to 50: Congrats! You are meeting the longings of his/her heart!

It seems that everywhere we shop we are asked to fill out a survey. The purpose is to identify where a business is strong and where its weaknesses are. You can’t improve those weak areas if you don’t know what they are. So go ahead. Ask your spouse to “Fill me in, tell me what you think,” then listen objectively, with the sole purpose of learning how to better love, your better half!

“How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding.” Proverbs 3:13