Love Means Knowing HOW to Say You're Sorry

In 1970 Paramount Pictures released the movie LOVE STORY from the #1 bestseller of the same name.  Like the book, the movie quickly became a huge hit and produced one of the most memorable lines ever spoken on the silver screen: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”  That quote became so well known that I remember seeing it on T-Shirts and buttons at the time. The implication of such a statement is that if we truly love someone, we will never hurt them; therefore we will not need to say we’re sorry. That concept might work in the movies, but the reality is that as human beings we are going to make mistakes and we do need to apologize when we have offended someone, especially someone we love, knowing how to say you’re sorry in a way that is meaningful to your partner is the key to a true loving relationship.

My husband and I are both stubborn, competitive people and when we were newlyweds we argued a lot.  Mostly about silly things, but the silliest of all were the arguments over my husband’s apologies to me.  My hubby’s apology language is simple; “I’m sorry” is all he needs to hear; however it doesn’t work as well for me.  He would tell me he was sorry, and I would be waiting for more…my husband noticing my blank expression would then repeat those two words exactly as he said them before, upon which I would accuse him of “not being sorry”, and a new argument over whether or not he was REALLY sorry would ensue.  What we eventually learned is that we needed to learn a new language, an apology language, and once we did it revolutionized our marriage.

 We learned that there are five languages of an apology:

 “Expressing Regret” is the apology language that zeros in on emotional hurt. 

·         For those who listen for this type of apology a simple “I’m sorry” is all they look for, provided the apology is from the heart.  This apology gets right to the point and doesn’t attempt to make excuses. “Expressing regret” takes ownership of the offense.

“Accepting Responsibility” is admitting when we have made a mistake.

·         For many people, all they want to hear are the words, “I am wrong.”  If the person apologizing               neglects to accept responsibility for their actions their partner may not feel as though the apology was sincere.

“Making Restitution” is essentially saying, “what can I do to make it up to you?” 

·         If your mate is the type of person who believes in justice for a crime committed, they may feel the same way towards apologies.

“Genuinely Repenting” is the language that says, “I will try not to do this again.”

·         Some people may doubt their spouse’s apology is sincere if it is not accompanied with an express commitment to change their behavior.

“Requesting Forgiveness” is asking, “will you please forgive me?”

·         Some people need assurance that their mate recognizes their need for forgiveness, and they want to hear their spouse verbally ask for it.  By asking for forgiveness, a partner is really asking their mates to still love them.

It was comforting to me when I discovered that my husband’s apology was “Expressing Regret.”  As I mentioned earlier he was satisfied with a simple, “I’m sorry”, however it was a huge “ahh ha” moment for my husband to learn that I was an “Accepting Responsibility” with a side of “Requesting Forgiveness” gal.  And we still argue at times, after all we are both stubborn and competitive, but now we communicate so much better because we’ve taken the time to learn each other’s language.  We found it so much easier to do than the fantasy of “never having to say your sorry”, because part of learning to love well, means learning how to say you’re sorry.

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”  Ephesians 4:32

 

 

 

 

HIGH FLYING MAINTENANCE

My husband and I recently took a trip to Austin, TX to celebrate our Wedding Anniversary. We enjoy taking trips together. Whether or not we are traveling near or far, the destination doesn’t really matter, the moment we get there, the fun times begin. There is a slight problem with getting there however. It has been said that nothing puts a relationship to the test quite like traveling. For me it's flying.

You see, my hubby has to fly relatively often on business, and he’s got the whole flying thing down. As soon as he takes a seat on the plane he takes out his I-Pod, puts in his ear buds, takes out his book de-jour and shuts out the world. I on the other hand rarely fly, and when I do I am High Maintenance. I start to stress out before we even board…you see I just know that in the entire population of people in our gate waiting to board, it’s that couple with the two wiggly toddlers that are going to choose to sit behind me, and when they do (trust me, I have some kind of bulls eye on me) one toddler will start to cry and the other one will proceed to kick me in the back.

This is where I do a quick self-check; I always pray before I fly…did I ask God for patience? No sir! I know NEVER to ask God for that! That’s just asking for trouble. Did I forget to mention that I have “restless leg syndrome”? So naturally the pilot has just announced that we will be delayed and must stay seat belted until further notice! And the seat I picked doesn’t recline, not even a little…I am really starting to flip …I look over at my dear husband and he on the other hand, seems to be really enjoying whatever music is playing on his I-Pod, he has patience, what the heck?

Kick, kick, kick! My back is taking a beating. I turn around and in my nicest “Christian” way possible give the poor traveling parents “death glares” while my hubby cracks open his bag of cheez-its seemingly oblivious to my plight. Dang that I-Pod!

Did you notice that I used the word “seemingly”? In our relationship, not much goes un-noticed by my husband. He knows all too well how keyed up I get when flying. He knows that I have a difficult time being crammed into a flying bus with a lot of people, and no way of escape! Also, I really don’t like being kicked in the back by anyone, no matter how short they are, or how cute their little voices are, or how infectious their excitement is when the plane takes off…ANY-WAAY, my husband could and would have every right to be annoyed or frustrated with my little contortions, but he chooses to let me just be myself. He knows that when all quiets down on the flight, and it always does…I will have found my “happy place” once again.

Right next to him! Happy 20th Anniversary H.D.

"Take me away with you-let us hurry!" Song of Songs 1:4

A Very Difficult Move

Summer is a popular time to move. My son just moved back home from college, and in a few short weeks he’ll be moving back to school and into his first apartment. Some friends of ours just moved into their sixth home in five years (God bless ‘em); even our church is moving to another part of town. I don’t know about you…but I really, really dislike moving.


I do not enjoy having to look at all of my old stuff and make decisions about what to pack up and keep, or what to get rid of. I certainly don’t look forward to all the repairing that needs to be performed before we can leave the old habitat for the newer one, but it is a necessary part of movng isn’t it? If it were up to my comfort zone, I would much rather just stay where I am, even though there may be a point in my life when moving would be beneficial to me and my husband’s future. One thing is definite: If you’re not intentional in your actions…moving can end up being a giant PAIN!

My hubby and I recently had to say goodbye to some long-time neighbors of ours. They were moving away, not just from our neighborhood, but from each other. Married for over two decades, their youngest child a recent high school graduate, they decided to get a divorce. I want to let you know up front, that I don't know the particular reason behind their decision…that is between them and God, I do have to wonder though... how does a couple with a good family and a nice home end up divorcing after so many years? What I do believe is this; all divorce is the result of when one or both people in the marriage harden their hearts.

I wonder if my obvious dislike for moving is why it’s sometimes difficult for me to move myself. I know that I need to be willing to move toward my spouse when he upsets or disappoints me, rather than move away emotionally and/or physically. In addition to that, it would be far easier to really examine my own stuff, instead of someone elses, in order to decide what is worth keeping, and what really needs to go.

Do I really need to hold on to my “darn rightness” and my anger, or do I need to “kick it to the curb” with all my useless junk. And what about all the “baggage” from my previous moves, shouldn’t I lighten up my load? It sure would make moving in the right direction easier don’t you agree? What if I became more intentional in repairing the areas in my marriage that have suffered from hurt or neglect? Maybe that would prevent having to make more costly repairs in the future.

All I know is this; I just watched an entire family (my neighbor’s) make the most difficult move of their life. That’s a move I don't ever want to make.

"Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can't bear grapes by itself, but only by being joined to the vine, you can't bear fruit unless you are joined with me. I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing."
-John 15:4-5 The Message

The Love Gift

“You want me to do what?!!!” I screeched at my husband when he asked me if I would go with him to his High School reunion.“But, I won’t know anyone but YOU!” My former insecure and shy self-responded. Has your spouse ever asked you to do something, that you were diametrically opposed to doing?

I recently had the privilege of attending another fantastic marriage focused weekend event put on by North County San Diego’s own Marriage Resource Center.

There were several renowned speakers throughout the weekend, and their personal testimonies’ along with their professional backgrounds provided me with so many precious “nuggets” or tools to pass along to others and more importantly to put into practice in my own marriage. There was one “nugget”, which stood out in particular, provided by an amazing and accomplished lover of God by the name of Kathleen Hart. I call it my “Golden Nugget” because it has great potential value, if you choose to use it. It’s called The Love Gift.

Here’s how it works: Your partner would like you to do something that would make him or her happy.

Example #1: Your wife has been home with the kids all week while you have been traveling on business. All you are looking forward to is coming home and staying put all weekend, but when you get home on Friday, she tells you she is in desperate need of a date night with you, ASAP! What to do…?

Example #2: You have been home with the kids all week while your husband has been out of town on business. You are tired, grumpy, and are in desperate need for some rest and time for yourself. Your husband returns from all of his stressful traveling and wants to re-connect with you…literally! Arrrgh!!! What to do…?

This is where The Love Gift comes in to play… your spouse has just presented you with an opportunity to put their happiness over your own discomfort. This is why it’s called the love gift, but there are a couple of rules that go along with it.

Rule #1: You cannot ask for a love gift, it has to be given freely with no strings attached.

Rule #2: It has to be something that you do not want to do.

Rule#3: Once you give the love gift you forfeit the right to complain about it to your spouse.

Maybe you’re thinking; “but, what’s in it for me?,” Quite a bit, actually. It’s an opportunity to bless your better half. You will grow as a person, more into the image of Jesus Christ with each unselfish act. The best part is that YOU will be a happier person for it, because you have just said yes to a possible bonding experience with your mate.

As far as my husband’s High School Reunion…yes I agreed to go, despite my personal reservations. We had a five hour car ride to his reunion, and my husband brought his senior yearbook with us, so I could look at all of his friends, and various clubs he was involved in. We had such a good time during that road trip. I enjoyed just having time with my husband without all the distractions of work and home. I also learned more about him and what he was like before we met. By the time we entered the hotel hosting his High School Reunion, I felt that I already knew his friends and felt a part of his school. I ended up more fun at his reunion, than I had at any of mine. Believe it or not, I can’t wait until his next one. Who really got the Love Gift…him or me?

"Give away your life; you'll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting is the way. Generosity begets generosity." Luke 6:38

I (HEART) VALENTINE’S DAY

 

 Allow me to take you back a couple thousand years, give or take… imagine you are living in Rome in the year 270AD.  You and your lover want to be married, but a decree has just gone out from Emperor Claudius II:  An unmarried man makes a better soldier than a married one; therefore marriage is illegal for young men.                 It just so happens that you are told of a Priest named Valentine who dedicates his life to protect Christians from the brutal persecution by Claudius II, and has defied the decree by secretly performing marriage ceremonies for young lovers.

You have managed to get a message to this brave priest, and he has responded by secret courier;  I will marry you and your betrothed as you wish.  Meet me this day in the parish garden under the cover of night…forever yours, Valentine. The next day as you bask in secret marital bliss, you hear the news…the Emperor’s men have captured Valentine.  He is beaten, ordered to renounce his Christianity, and when he refuses, he is beheaded. The date is February 14^th.  You and others vow never to forget his sacrifice for love.

Many centuries later the Catholic Church gave Valentine the title of “Valentine Patron Saint of Young Lovers” and in doing so…fulfilled that vow.  He really was so much more, but that is how we came to set aside the day he was martyred, February 14^th as a day to celebrate our romantic relationships.

A note to Husbands:  Valentine’s Day is not: A Hallmark holiday contrived to force men to empty their wallets or express canned emotions.  Although in today’s world Valentine’s Day is over feminized, remember that its root is in the ultimate masculine sacrifice; a willingness to die for the one you love.  For Saint Valentine, his love was Jesus Christ.  He lived to serve his brothers and risked it all in the name of love.  If you want to make your wife's day, tell her how she makes you a better man.  She will appreciate it!

A note to Wives:  Valentine’s Day is not an excuse for wives to set up unrealistic expectations.   Please stop telling your husband that you don’t want him to do anything special for you on Valentine’s Day. You know you don’t mean it, but he thinks you’re serious! If you want to celebrate in a special way, don't make him guess, be specific!   If you really want to make your husband’s day, tell him why and how much you respect him.  He will love you for it!

February 14^th is a special day set apart for romance.  We are reminded to care for each other with a “put my spouse first” kind of love.   A single day, set apart for romance and a reminder on our busy calendars to take time to express our hearts to our one true love.  

This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. You are my friends when you do the things I command you.                                 John 15:12 (the Message)

What is the State of Your Union?

The President of the United States recently gave his yearly State of the Union address. Historically these speeches can either inspire or depress you depending on your political persuasion. It made me think of something more personal and close to home.

If you were to give a speech on the state of your marital union what would it sound like? Would there be more positive than negative news? Would you be tempted to throw in a few well-intentioned promises or hollow platitudes? I wonder if your listener; aka your spouse, would feel encouraged or pessimistic afterwards.

Allow me to give you a very hypothetical, (in other words completely made up example): If I were to ask my husband what he thought of my cooking (he might say, “what cooking?”), but let’s just say if I were to cook dinner-and then ask him what he thought of my cooking, I would want him to be more of a politician, and tell me what I wanted to hear, or at least soften the truth for me. However when it comes to the really important topics in our relationship, such as his overall contentment with me, I really don’t want him to candy coat the truth.

Every so often my husband and I will ask each other a simple question:
How are we (as a couple) doing? What can I do better as a husband, or as a wife? We use this as an opportunity to listen without getting defensive, to gain insight into the other person, and to grow even closer as husband and wife. Think of it as an exploratory committee of two!

Like politics, many of us can go through our daily lives not paying too close attention, only to find that somewhere along the road, we may have missed an opportunity to make a difference for those that we love. Don’t do that. Get actively involved in your marriage, put God front and center and make the state of your union strong!

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back to back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 NLT