Blessed are those who risk personal attack from the enemy, to bring encouragement and hope to those in need.

No, that’s not in the Bible, but it should be!  I believe I speak for many of us enlisted in God’s army, including my hubby and me, when I say that serving in ministry (which in our case means taking a stand to restore the value to marriage in today's culture), can be hazardous to your physical, mental and spiritual health.  To put it simply, if you are a child of God-you have a bulls-eye on your chest!

 From the very beginning of our ministry, teaching and mentoring pre-marital couples, my husband and I would experience an attack on our resolve to serve others; it often played out like this:

 It is the day we are to teach our quarterly class on Marital Roles and Expectations. I have a bad day at work and my hubby has an equally rough day.  We are both tired and hungry, but dear hubby was stuck in traffic and arrives home too late for us to eat before our class.  I (being so gracious when I’m hungry…not) am now in a really bad mood, and I accuse dear hubby of purposely trying to wreck our evening.  Dear hubby then volleys back a list of complaints about me, and off to the races we go!

 We then end up fighting in the car, all the way to church.  By the time we arrive just minutes before we are to stand before a class of pre-marital couples, we are convinced that we are in the wrong place…after-all, who are we to teach others about marriage, when we cannot act civil towards each other on the one night we teach class at the church!  Then it hits us…hey… wait a minute!  We have been getting along pretty good lately.  In fact, we cannot remember the last time we had a really nasty fight before tonight.  And then we remember-we are in a war, and it’s not us against each other, it is the enemy of our souls.

This scenario used to play out time and time again, and always when we had a pre-marital class to teach, or before meeting a couple to mentor.  Even prior to that, when we had a home bible study one night a week, we would end up arguing before our group arrived at our home.  We must be slow learners; because it took several years for us to catch on to the truth…we were under attack. 

Once we became aware of what was happening to us on these particular dates, we were able to see an obvious pattern that the enemy followed: Hard day at work, not enough sleep the night before, anxiety about being late, hunger, grouchiness in my spouse and me…and then the lies.  Oh, the enemy is good at that!  The bible refers to the enemy as the father of lies.  You are a fake; you have no business serving in this ministry; you need to get your act together, and, God can never use someone like you.   Those are the lies he would whisper in our ears.

So what did we do to defeat the king of lies?  We prayed to the King of Truth.  We now pray for wisdom, discernment and protection prior to serving others.  My dear hubby and I make a pact with each other, not to be tempted to give in to minor irritations.  We agree that Grace towards one another is to be our goal, and we ask God to fill in the spaces where we are lacking.  He has never let us down. 

In fact, on more than one occasion, my hubby and I would stand just outside the door to our classroom and pray before going in, asking God to help us because we felt weak and empty.  You will never guess what happened. Those would be some of our best classes!  We would often hear great reviews from the couples afterwards, and go home praising God for his love and mercy toward us.

Once we were onto the enemy’s schemes, the attacks became less and less frequent.  We know that he will continue to try to make us stumble, but we know who we are in Christ, and though we know we are fighting a war, we will never give up, because the outcome has been pre-determined…the kingdom of God wins!

“Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”  James 4:7

“In all these things we are more than conquerors … (Nothing shall separate us from the love of God.”  Romans 8:38-39

Not Right or Wrong…Just Different

I am an encourager by nature.  At the car dealership I work for my job entails making customers feel comfortable, and hopeful that we will fix whatever it is that ails their car; and when I am not at my 9 to 5, I am a Life Coach, Pre-Marital Instructor and Marriage Mentor.  I am all about encouraging others…which is curious, because I tend to be hard on myself!

 Don’t get me wrong, I am no Pollyanna.  The skies are never truly blue in my world, and just to make life interesting, my husband is my complete opposite in nature.  He has a perpetual positive outlook on life, so when he once pointed out to me that I am a half-empty cup type of person, I immediately made the counter-point to him (insert snarky tone here), “I’m not half empty, I’m a realist, I see how things really are, I’m not pie-in-the-sky like you!”

I realize that I am speaking to both halves of the human population right now-the pessimists and the optimists.  I have interviewed more couples than I can count over the last eighteen years, most of them preparing to get married, some sadly, considering divorce, and I have found that most of them have one thing in common with other couples; they are opposite from each other in how they view life.  A pessimist (realist!) is often attracted to an optimist and visa-versa.  I find this fascinating.  Could it mean that we need a little more than our own perspective in how we interpret this adventure we call life?

I know that I do.  It took many years of marriage to my husband before I understood that his optimistic nature did not mean that he was un-realistic about things, he was just hopeful and positive.  He wasn’t right or wrong…just different.  In turn, my cheerful husband learned that my perspective in certain instances was based on my own experience.  Not right or wrong…just different. 

Here is an illustration:  I tend to get really bummed out when plans my husband and I have made suddenly go awry.  One night, hubby and I had plans to go to dinner and a movie.  So when he came home from work too late to make it to the show, I protested that I was very disappointed that our night out was ruined; and he responded in his typical optimistic fashion, that we could just chose to do something else that night.  It was my husband’s nature that allowed him to see the silver-lining, whereas, my nature had me focused on the clouds.  We were very frustrated at each other in that moment.  We just didn’t see the situation the same way, so we spent the evening arguing about who was right and who was wrong.   It became clear to us that we needed to learn a better way to communicate around our different natures.

Through the years my husband and I have learned to accept and even accommodate our differences.  For example, my husband has learned that I need a short period of time to grieve a sudden change of plans; therefore, he will now acknowledge my lost expectation- he will even share it, and then we can move on.  For my part, I am no longer annoyed by his positive spin on situations beyond our control. I have learned to value my husband’s silver-lining point of view.  His positive slant is what I need to pull out of the funk I can get myself into sometimes; and, he has discovered that being too close to the forest can make it hard to see the trees. Over the years, my husband has learned that my half-empty (realistic!) take- often merits a second look at the situation. 

  

It is encouraging to know that God made us- he knows us.  Even more encouraging is that as long as we breathe air, he is not done with us.  We are not a project for Him to complete; instead, we are in the process of becoming more like his son. Created in his own image, He put us together in marriage in order to refine us, and make us holy. 

I am exceedingly grateful for the opportunity God has given to my hubby and me to grow as individuals in our marriage.  We used to act incredulous towards each other when we expressed a different point of view, each of us believing that the prism in which we viewed life was right, and the other person- in the wrong, when all along the answer was as simple as- just different.

We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.  Romans 12:6

  

The Man of My Dreams

I’m mad at my hubby right now.  What did he do wrong?  Nothing.  I just happened to have a dream about him doing something wrong…and I woke up mad at him.  In my dream he stood by passively as I was being mugged by a gang of nuns, something he would totally do in real life right?  No, not really.  So what does it mean when the man of your dreams, lets you down...in your dreams?  Allow me to let you in on the conversation my hubby and I had regarding the complete abdication of his responsibility to defend me in my dream.

Each morning before heading off to work my hubby kisses me and tells me he loves me, however, this morning as he leans in for a kiss I swiftly turn my face so he misses my lips.  Smart guy, he surmises something is wrong:  “What’s the matter honey?”  He asks all innocent.

I reply:  “I’m mad at you, if you must know.”

Hubby: “What did I do now?”

Me: “I dreamt that I was being chased down the street by a gang of marauding nuns and I was calling out for you to save me and you were standing on the corner watching American Idol on your Smart phone and you told me you would just be a minute, because it was elimination night.”

Hubby: “What”?!!

Me: “I know!”   “I can’t believe that you just left me to fend for myself…you know I have issues with…”

Hubby: “It was just a dream.  I would never let a gang of nuns threaten my bride.”

Not quite convinced, I concluded: “Well…in any case, I’m still mad.”  My amused hubby then kissed me and left for work.

I have learned that when it comes to my emotional reaction, something from my past is usually driving it.  In this particular instance my fear of abandonment.  My fear is that my hubby will not be available, emotionally or physically when I need him the most.  I have reason to doubt…he had let me down in the past.  Just prior to celebrating our 5^th Wedding Anniversary, my mom and dad died within weeks of each other.  This was my first experience with loss and grief; naturally I looked to my husband for comfort.    Uncomfortable with my grief, he was unprepared to give me what I needed, so he avoided me.  I do remember when he did come through a few weeks after my loss.  It was after finding me in a heap on the floor of our bedroom crying…he started to cry with me.  I felt cared for and understood at that moment, and we grew closer as a couple, having experienced the blessing that follows being physically and emotionally available.  It restores your connection and that’s healing.

 Though I have a few trust issues from my past, most have nothing to do with my husband. For the last six years, I have purposed to learn what these issues are, where they came from and WHO can conquer them (hint, rhymes with Please Us).  I learned to slow down and name the emotion I was feeling (usually hurt or fear).  Just the act of putting a name to what I am feeling gives me the power to control my reaction to them. How you may wonder?  Simple…I ask myself; “is it true?”  After all, feelings are just feelings, they can be valid, but if based on a lie, not so much. I certainly wouldn’t want to apply a bad motive to someone, if the intention of that someone was misinterpreted by me. 

After my hubby left for work this morning I had a cup of coffee (“instant human”), and I asked myself:  Is it true that my husband would allow me to be harmed in anyway if he could prevent it? NO!   Is it true that my husband may make a mistake and let me down from time to time? Yes!  And should I conclude that to mean he doesn’t love and cherish me? NO!  Whew! A good reality check never hurt anyone, and if I’m ever out for a walk and happen to  see a group of nuns that look like trouble, I’m crossing the street…fast…just in case!

Then Pilate said: “So are you king or not?”  Jesus answered, “You tell me.  Because I am King, I was born and entered the world so that I could witness to the truth.  Everyone who cares for the truth, who has any feelings for the truth, recognizes my voice.”  John 18:37

 

 

 

I PROMISE

Spring is finally here, and engaged couples all over the globe are in the final throes of planning their summer weddings.  Hopefully those couples have given more thought to the lifelong commitment of marriage than they have to the details of their wedding day.  There is, however, one detail of that special day that is definitely worthy of special consideration—the marriage vows.  Wedding vows contain the promises of a covenant intended to last a lifetime.  They are the vows of faithfulness and the promise to stick it out through thick and thin.  So for those of you who have been married for some time–have you given any thought to how you are holding up your end of your marriage covenant?  Let’s take an honest look.

Taken from the “Book of Common Prayer” published in England in 1549, the most traditional and widely recognized marriage vows are as follows:
“I take this Man/Woman to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, forsaking all others, till death us do part.

To Have and To Hold…what exactly does this mean?  To have and to hold encompasses the emotional, spiritual and physical connection we are to share with our spouse. We are promising to make ourselves available to our spouse–not only sexually, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually as well.  And our spouse promises to the same for us. The key to keeping this promise is to be available.  At the risk of raising eyebrows, I encourage you to make making love in your marriage a high priority.  This physical connection does wonderful things for the emotional health of your marriage.  If you are not pursuing and sharing intimacy with your spouse  emotionally, sexually, mentally, and spiritually, you can choose to begin today. You promised.

For Better or Worse.  This promise couldn’t be clearer.  It means just what it says.  In John 16: 33 Jesus tells us; “In this life, you will have trouble….”  If we are married long enough, we will most likely experience the death of someone we love, the loss of a job, an empty nest or any number of other challenges.  There is a comfort found in knowing we have a partner to share life’s struggles. We do not have to go them alone. My husband and I have mourned the loss of both my parents within months of each other, and the loss of our sweet twenty-three year old daughter-in-law to a drunk driver.  We have experienced joy and pain…the absolute better and the absolute worse.  Yet through it all we found great comfort in the love of God and in each other.  Give thanks in the good times and hold tight to each other when the seas are the roughest. You promised.

For richer or poorer.   It is common knowledge that money problems are a big factor in the high divorce rate today. Through the years there can be many causes for financial instability; it is just a part of life. However, our lack of trust in God with our finances, including tithing, and an overall lack of stewardship is often the cause of many financial woes for the Christian couple.  Having an abundance of money is not a guarantee of a happy life, and some of the happiest people I know live within their means and give generously when able.  Trust God and honor him in your finances.  And be ready to forgive if your spouse makes a mistake.  You promised.

In sickness and in health.   Can you be counted on to be there for your spouse when they are sick?  What if they are suffering with an addiction, depression, chronic fatigue or Alzheimer’s?  As individuals we can take steps to stay healthy, but we are not invincible, and any type of illness can stress a relationship.  Sickness can raise fear and insecurity, causing some to withdraw emotionally.  So what is the best way to honor this vow?  Be present. Pray together out loud and often. Make your love and commitment to your spouse that healing balm they need. You promised.

To Love and to Cherish…Forsaking All Others.  This is my personal favorite.  Don’t we all expect to be loved and cherished on our wedding day?  Isn’t faithfulness an expectation we hold dear from that day forward?  According to the current divorce rate within the church, it is easy to see that Christian couples are struggling to keep this promise. Infidelity is on the rise among Christian couples, and the “I” centered worldly message is all but undermining the gospel message of “love one another, as Christ has loved you.”  We are not called to love each other until we feel bored, unheard, misunderstood, or are let down. We are called to love, cherish, and be faithful.  Do not waste time over difficult issues; instead learn to excel at forgiveness. Nourish and protect your marriage.  You promised
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Till Death Us Do Part.   Jesus said: “For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.”   Matthew 22:30.   This is it folks!   Once you or your spouse has been called home, there will be no more chances to make amends, make love, hold hands, or cherish one another.  As I mentioned earlier, my son’s wife died after only three years of marriage.  It was  painful to watch my son grieve his tremendous loss, and to hear him say he wished that he could tell his wife he loved her just one more time. Don’t take your marriage for granted…it is a gift from God that He uses to refine you and and make you holy. You can have a happy marriage with God at the center of it.  He can see you through until death parts you. Remember that… You promised.

“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.”  
Eph. 5:1-2 The Message

Moving Mountains: Faith during a Marital Crisis

 My first marriage ended because of unfaithfulness.  My young husband was unfaithful to me… and I didn’t have the faith that our marriage could recover from such a blow.  After attending just three counseling sessions with our Priest, I told my husband that I could not forgive him or trust him.  So we separated and eventually divorced.  We were twenty- three years old and the parents of two children under the age of two.

Ten long years later, I met someone I could really put my trust in- Jesus Christ.  I believe Jesus led me to the man I would eventually marry and blend a family with.  That was twenty-one years ago.   Since that time, my husband and I have purposed to become marriage experts.  Each year we attend several marriage related workshops and train with top Christian Marriage Therapists.  And for most of our marriage we have taught and mentored pre-marital and married couples.  All this to say- we’ve learned a few things along the way…especially me.

 One thing I have learned is that if you think you are immune to an affair, you need to think again.  No one is above temptation.  I also discovered that prior to “no fault divorce” entering the picture in 1970, adultery was one of the top three reasons cited for obtaining a divorce.  Current studies would indicate that those numbers have not changed.  In addition, adultery (one of the “accepted” reasons for divorce within the church) is manifesting itself in new forms such as emotional affairs or pornography use.

 So does that mean that divorce is inevitable after the discovery of infidelity?  I used to think the answer was a resounding “yes!”   I used to think people could not change… could not repent... and could not be trusted again.  I did not believe such a sinner could be transformed, redeemed and given a clean slate.  I couldn’t grasp the reality of what Christ accomplished on the cross.    But when I did, I surrendered my hardened heart to God and asked Him to make it soft like He intended it to be.  Keep in mind soft does not mean weak.  It takes a strong heart, fashioned by faith to stand up for your marriage and your spouse, especially when your spouse has shattered your heart through unfaithfulness.  It is good to remember that God stands up for us and calls us His bride, even though we are continually unfaithful to Him.  

 God is with us, and he is actively involved in our circumstances.  He came to give us a future and a hope.  He calls us to love like He loves.  This is impossible without faith.  Without faith in God’s love for us, we wouldn’t be able survive the pain of infidelity, or be willing to reconcile through forgiveness.  Without the power of His love, we would not be able to trust again or earn trust back.  Just suppose I had put my faith in God at twenty three; maybe my first marriage would have made it through our crisis, and my two children spared the pain of our divorce.  I will never know what might have been.  What I do know is that God is faithful, even if we are not.

 Most assuredly I say to you, if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there, ’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you. (Matthew 17:20)

The Love Factor

     With Valentines’ Day fast approaching my thoughts are dominated by the romance this day represents.  In years past I would stick with tradition when it came to giving my spouse a gift.  Flowers and candy are still the most popular way to show your love on this particular day (check out the lines at your local Chocolatier or Florist Shop this time of year), however, after 21 years of marriage, I’ve moved beyond the expected displays of affection.   I want the gift I choose to last more than one day.  I want it to be meaningful to my significant other.  It has to have the Love Factor. 

    The Word of God teaches us to love one another, as Christ loved us.  Jesus’ love for us cost him dearly.  It should also cost us something, and I don’t mean financially, that would be too easy.  Letting go of past hurts can be hard to do, but the Lord’s Prayer tells us to forgive the trespasses of others, as God forgives our sins.  You can give the gift of GRACE and forgive your spouse for that time he or she really let you down, hurt your pride, or destroyed your trust.   It will free you both.  We have access to give and receive this grace when we tap into the power of the Love Factor.

    Here’s a gift you could give that isn’t entirely selfless…the gift of touch.  Hold you mate’s hand, run your hands through their hair, kiss them and linger there.  Feelings follow actions, so if you’ve been physically distant from each other just get started, both your bodies will be flooded with Dopamine (the love hormone), which God created in us to neutralize the stress hormone cortisol. If there has been a higher level of stress in your relationship, you need the Love Factor.  

     What if we also chose to look at our spouse with the same compassionate eyes as Christ, and become their #1 encourager in this life?  Imagine the difference it would make in their day to hear these affirming words:  “I love you, I have faith in you, and I see the best in you.”  This is exactly what I hear the Holy Spirit say to me, even on my worst day.  Our mate has bad days too; the world can be unkind to them, therefore choose to be a kind, positive force in their life.  A wonderful wife, mother, and gifted speaker by the name of Kathleen Hart once told me that her goal is to; “be a little bit of heaven on earth to her husband, Archibald.”   Find a way to do that for your spouse every day.

     I’m determined to celebrate the spirit of Valentine’s Day every day.  I am so glad that God created marriage to sharpen and mature us, and gave us a partner to have and to hold through both the good and bad times.  God knew it was not good for man to be alone, so be thankful that you have each other and you have the Love Factor; Jesus Christ to lead the way.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Eph. 4:32