Part 2 of Don’t End Up a Statistic

Last week I offered you some sobering statistics concerning the current state of divorce and remarriage in America.  Just to recap a bit, by the end of this year 2010, it is estimated that 60% of all families in America will be “blended families.” If you are not in a blended family, I want to encourage you to read on, as you undoubtedly will have friends or family, who are or will be part of that statistic.

If you are in a blended family you are in great company. Did you know that blended families have been around since the Book of Genesis in the bible?  Remarriage due to death and divorce were common.  Having multiple wives was not unusual, and having children by each of those wives, often resulting in intense family friction.  The Book of Genesis does not shy away from the problems they encountered as a result. One thing is for sure, the problems blended families face, are not unique. In fact, there are extremely common characteristics of a blended family, as my husband and I found out when we took it upon ourselves to learn what we could from “the experts,” and also from our counseling dozens of blended family couples over the last sixteen years. This is a small sample of what we have learned, through personal experience and listening to other’s stories:

The average family takes between two and seven years to blend.  A lot can depend on the age of your children at the time you remarry. Younger children tend to accept the stepparent at a faster pace than older children.  With adult children it can take even longer. The bonding between a stepparent and stepchild rarely equals that of biological parent and child. In my case I had not only given birth to my children, but I had 9 and 11 years of bonding with them before I married their stepfather. It is so important that you give your children and spouse a realistic timetable in which to bond.  It can take years, in fact it usually does.

Be aware of the Infatuation Stage.  Ever hear of the saying “Love is Blind?”  Well of course you have.  When two people fall in love they are usually “blind” to what seems so obvious to others.  My husband and I were recently presented with the challenge of mentoring a couple before marriage. Both had been married multiple times before, had several teenagers between them and had only known each other for a couple of months. What we saw as huge problems down the road for them, they only saw as minor issues!
The children can also succumb to a form of infatuation here. It is very common for the children involved to get caught up in the excitement of the new relationship and marriage plans, only to experience extreme grief, anger and sadness right after the “I Do’s are exchanged. And I mean right after!  We have had countless blended family couple’s tell us that there was a complete change in attitude from their children the day after the wedding!  (I will address the children more, in next week’s blog).

What on Earth Have I Done?  This is when reality hits, and you belatedly question your decision to marry again. This usually happens from the six-month mark to the end of the first year. It may even happen sooner. Instant family can mean instant challenges.

Tune in for my conclusion of Don’t End Up A Statistic! I promise it will end on a high note!