Marriage As An Olympic Sport?

As someone who has zero athletic ability, I just love watching the Winter Olympics. There is so much drama, pain, tragedy and adversity. And all that before the athletes even get to the competition! I’m a people person, so I get into all the individual stories regarding the favored athlete of the moment.  I want to know how some struggled to overcome debilitating injuries to make it to the Olympics. I’m interested in who brought their newborn baby to the games, and if their husband or wife is in the crowd cheering for them.  I want to know how they stay grounded as a person in the midst of all the media blitz and adoring fans.  Oh, and the games are fun to watch too!

It’s pretty obvious by now, that I’m very relationship minded, so I couldn’t help but wonder, how my husband and I would rate, if Marriage was an Olympic sport. Would we compete together, like the Olympic Ice Dancers do?  Or would we compete against each other even though we are on the same team, as in the Down Hill Ski Racers for instance.

Not speaking for us per se, I see some marriages as USA against Russia. Slugging it out to see who comes out the winner. Not good, in other words.

Imagine this…you are at the wedding of close friends, it is time for the Best Man to give his toast to the happy couple and he says something like this: “To my newly married best friend, I hope that he and his bride win the bronze medal, or at least make the semi finals in this great life event called marriage!”  That would be pretty shocking wouldn’t it? Because we all want to start out our marriages to win the Gold Medal, but if we don’t have a focus, a goal for our life together, we may not even come in second or third place in fact we may wipe out and get a DNF (did not finish)!

From the beginning of our marriage, my hubby and I made it our goal, to be on the same team.  All our decisions are based on what is best for ‘our team.’ We learned (after sustaining some training injuries) that in an argument, you either win as a team or you lose as a team. There is no win/lose. If one of you loses the whole team loses.  Sometimes, we just need to slow down enough to ask ourselves if the need to be right in our current situation, is what’s right for ‘our team.’  Will it move us further along the course to victory or will our unwillingness to listen to the heart of our spouse, cause us to crash. 

As you may have noticed, marriage is under attack in our culture.  Society, and all forms of media mock the institution of marriage now.  It is time to restore the value of marriage and change the culture. Don’t settle for a bronze or silver medal for your marriage, invest your time and energy in it, so that you won’t ever have to experience a DNF.  As for my team, we are far from perfect, but we will give our personal best, we won’t be satisfied with just making it to the games.  We want the Gold!

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”  Hebrews 12:1

Part 3 of Don’t End Up A Statistic!

So you believe you’ve got it right this time. Your older, wiser and you have found your “true soul mate”. Your child used to be happy about your new relationship with “Mr./Ms. Right,” but now that you have re-married their attitude has taken a 180-degree turn. You find yourself asking, “Why has this happened?”


This is the reason…. Your child is grieving. Regardless of your child’s age at the time of your divorce, in most cases, I can guarantee you that what they really want is for their parents divorce to never have happened. They want their original family unit back, and they grieve tremendously. Even if both parents remain actively involved in their children’s lives, the children still have to deal with the loss of the home they once had, and the loss of a parent. Most children suffer silently and the emotional pain they experience will manifest itself in a variety of ways.

The stages of grief in children after divorce often mirror that of adults who have suffered from the loss of a loved one. They can go into a state of denial. For example, before I married her father, my stepdaughter was my biggest champion. After our wedding, she often ignored me, and openly reminisced about happier times with her dad and mom.

Anger is another all too common stage in the grief process. Behavior problems, outwardly or passively come on pretty strong in the beginning of the blended family process. Withdrawal, sadness, attention problems, sleeps disturbances, indifference, problems in school, and “acting out” behaviors are all evidences of the grief your child is experiencing.

Guilt is also a symptom of grief. Children often believe that they are to blame for a parent leaving. It is so important that you assure your children that they are in no way responsible for your failed marriage. It is good to remind them that adults are responsible for their own behaviors. You may have to tell them this more than once.

The bottom line is this: Validate your child’s right to his/her feelings. Take positive steps to help them with the grief process, including seeking professional counseling for them if needed. But the best thing you can do for them in the long run is this: Make your Blended Family work. Don’t end up another statistic!

When my husband and I blended our family, we made a pact with each other. We were going to be an example to our children of what a loving, committed Christian marriage looked like. We were determined not to put them through another divorce. So we worked hard at learning how to communicate better, how to resolve conflict, the importance of being  united in front of them, and how to create a safe haven for each other as well as for the children.

A couple of weeks ago, a dear friend of our family sat down with my husband, and shared that as a product of divorce (both his parents were re-married, and struggling in those marriages) he was determined to not end up a statistic. He said, “ The buck stops here with me. I don’t want my children to go through what I have had to go through.” The family friend who said this is only sixteen years old! I don’t know about you, but that inspires the heck out of me, and I hope it inspires you too! Regardless of where you are in your marriage, you don’t have to end up a statistic. Stay the course, stay committed, and ask for God’s help. I promise, you and your children will reap the rewards!

“Over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
Colossians 3:14

Part 2 of Don’t End Up a Statistic

Last week I offered you some sobering statistics concerning the current state of divorce and remarriage in America.  Just to recap a bit, by the end of this year 2010, it is estimated that 60% of all families in America will be “blended families.” If you are not in a blended family, I want to encourage you to read on, as you undoubtedly will have friends or family, who are or will be part of that statistic.

If you are in a blended family you are in great company. Did you know that blended families have been around since the Book of Genesis in the bible?  Remarriage due to death and divorce were common.  Having multiple wives was not unusual, and having children by each of those wives, often resulting in intense family friction.  The Book of Genesis does not shy away from the problems they encountered as a result. One thing is for sure, the problems blended families face, are not unique. In fact, there are extremely common characteristics of a blended family, as my husband and I found out when we took it upon ourselves to learn what we could from “the experts,” and also from our counseling dozens of blended family couples over the last sixteen years. This is a small sample of what we have learned, through personal experience and listening to other’s stories:

The average family takes between two and seven years to blend.  A lot can depend on the age of your children at the time you remarry. Younger children tend to accept the stepparent at a faster pace than older children.  With adult children it can take even longer. The bonding between a stepparent and stepchild rarely equals that of biological parent and child. In my case I had not only given birth to my children, but I had 9 and 11 years of bonding with them before I married their stepfather. It is so important that you give your children and spouse a realistic timetable in which to bond.  It can take years, in fact it usually does.

Be aware of the Infatuation Stage.  Ever hear of the saying “Love is Blind?”  Well of course you have.  When two people fall in love they are usually “blind” to what seems so obvious to others.  My husband and I were recently presented with the challenge of mentoring a couple before marriage. Both had been married multiple times before, had several teenagers between them and had only known each other for a couple of months. What we saw as huge problems down the road for them, they only saw as minor issues!
The children can also succumb to a form of infatuation here. It is very common for the children involved to get caught up in the excitement of the new relationship and marriage plans, only to experience extreme grief, anger and sadness right after the “I Do’s are exchanged. And I mean right after!  We have had countless blended family couple’s tell us that there was a complete change in attitude from their children the day after the wedding!  (I will address the children more, in next week’s blog).

What on Earth Have I Done?  This is when reality hits, and you belatedly question your decision to marry again. This usually happens from the six-month mark to the end of the first year. It may even happen sooner. Instant family can mean instant challenges.

Tune in for my conclusion of Don’t End Up A Statistic! I promise it will end on a high note!