“A Time, Lost in Time”

On a Sunday night not long ago, I stepped out of the warm glow of my church during an uplifting time of worship and teaching to answer a persistent call from my son Kevin. He and my daughter in law were almost to their destination, after leaving us in the early morning hours that same day to start their long drive back to Idaho where Kevin currently serves in the Air Force. What I heard when I answered that call will forever be imbedded in my consciousness. What I heard was the desperate cries of my son, telling me that a drunk driver had hit him and his wife, and that my daughter in law Samantha was gravely injured.

My whole world imploded on me at that moment. “Oh God PLEASE! This can’t be happening!” I knew from my son’s description of Sam that it was bad, VERY bad. The level of despair I felt at that moment was something I had only read of “other people” experiencing. I have Technicolor memories of that night and the week to follow: Staying up all night to find the quickest flight to Boise, the six days spent at Sam’s bedside in ICU. Her mother and sister receiving Christ, my 17 year old son Seth leading over forty adults in prayer back home, and exactly one week from when I kissed her good-bye at my door, I had to kiss my sweet 23 year old daughter in law good-bye for the last time as she passed from this life to be with the God she loved.

Soon afterwards I brought my devastated, but physically whole son home. The outpouring of love, prayers and support from our Pastors and church family as well as the amazing grace shown to us from the US Air Force in Idaho, has been incredible. My own brothers and sisters circled around us like an old Western Wagon Train. What I discovered however was as amazing as the support has been, it cannot shield or protect you from the pain you feel.

My husband and I have talked about how surreal it is to go to work everyday, and otherwise look and function normally, but this isn’t normal for us. We joke about how we miss “our old life.” We feel like we are living in another dimension, “a time lost in time.” Grief is a state of being that feels ‘unreal’. For me personally, grieving has brought me closer to the reality of eternity than I would otherwise experience, making this temporal life, become...well, more temporal. It doesn’t feel as real as before. I don’t feel like I fit in my old life anymore than I felt I fit in my first day of Junior High.

I am grateful to know that “abnormal feelings under abnormal circumstances are normal,” and that God will one day, as he has so many times in my life, reveal his greater purpose. So much personal suffering and hope for healing will result in bringing glory to God. That is the God I love. That is the God Samantha loved. I trust in Him.

God’s word in 2nd Cor. 12:9 says: “My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” In Psalm 46:10: “Be still and know that I am God.” So for now, for this season God has called me to lay down everything I knew of my life before, so that I might know on a deeper level, the God who did not spare his own son, yet chose to spare mine. I want to know Him.