In 1970 Paramount Pictures released the movie LOVE STORY
from the #1 bestseller of the same name.
Like the book, the movie quickly became a huge hit and produced one of
the most memorable lines ever spoken on the silver screen: “Love means never
having to say you’re sorry.” That quote
became so well known that I remember seeing it on T-Shirts and buttons at the
time. The implication of such a statement is that if we truly love someone, we
will never hurt them; therefore we will not need to say we’re sorry. That
concept might work in the movies, but the reality is that as human beings we
are going to make mistakes and we do need to apologize when we have offended
someone, especially someone we love, knowing how to say you’re sorry in a way
that is meaningful to your partner is the key to a true loving relationship.
My husband and I are both stubborn, competitive people and
when we were newlyweds we argued a lot. Mostly
about silly things, but the silliest of all were the arguments over my
husband’s apologies to me. My hubby’s
apology language is simple; “I’m sorry” is all he needs to hear; however it
doesn’t work as well for me. He would
tell me he was sorry, and I would be waiting for more…my husband noticing my
blank expression would then repeat those two words exactly as he said them
before, upon which I would accuse him of “not being sorry”, and a new argument
over whether or not he was REALLY sorry would ensue. What we eventually learned is that we needed
to learn a new language, an apology language, and once we did it revolutionized
our marriage.
We learned that there
are five languages of an apology:
“Expressing Regret” is the apology language
that zeros in on emotional hurt.
·
For those who listen for this type of apology a
simple “I’m sorry” is all they look for, provided the apology is from the
heart. This apology gets right to the
point and doesn’t attempt to make excuses. “Expressing regret” takes ownership
of the offense.
“Accepting Responsibility”
is admitting when we have made a mistake.
·
For many people, all they want to hear are the
words, “I am wrong.” If the person
apologizing neglects to
accept responsibility for their actions their partner may not feel as though the
apology was sincere.
“Making Restitution”
is essentially saying, “what can I do to make it up to you?”
·
If your mate is the type of person who believes
in justice for a crime committed, they may feel the same way towards apologies.
“Genuinely Repenting”
is the language that says, “I will try not to do this again.”
·
Some people may doubt their spouse’s apology is
sincere if it is not accompanied with an express commitment to change their
behavior.
“Requesting Forgiveness” is asking, “will you please forgive me?”
·
Some people need assurance that their mate
recognizes their need for forgiveness, and they want to hear their spouse
verbally ask for it. By asking for
forgiveness, a partner is really asking their mates to still love them.
It was comforting to me when I
discovered that my husband’s apology was “Expressing Regret.” As I mentioned earlier he was satisfied with
a simple, “I’m sorry”, however it was a huge “ahh ha” moment for my husband to
learn that I was an “Accepting Responsibility” with a side of “Requesting Forgiveness”
gal. And we still argue at times, after
all we are both stubborn and competitive, but now we communicate so much better
because we’ve taken the time to learn each other’s language. We found it so much easier to do than the
fantasy of “never having to say your sorry”, because part of learning to love
well, means learning how to say you’re sorry.
“Be kind to one another,
tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
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