On a Sunday night not long ago, I stepped out of the warm glow of my church during an uplifting time of worship and teaching to answer a persistent call from my son Kevin. He and my daughter in law were almost to their destination, after leaving us in the early morning hours that same day to start their long drive back to Idaho where Kevin currently serves in the Air Force. What I heard when I answered that call will forever be imbedded in my consciousness. What I heard was the desperate cries of my son, telling me that a drunk driver had hit him and his wife, and that my daughter in law Samantha was gravely injured.
My whole world imploded on me at that moment. “Oh God PLEASE! This can’t be happening!” I knew from my son’s description of Sam that it was bad, VERY bad. The level of despair I felt at that moment was something I had only read of “other people” experiencing. I have Technicolor memories of that night and the week to follow: Staying up all night to find the quickest flight to Boise, the six days spent at Sam’s bedside in ICU. Her mother and sister receiving Christ, my 17 year old son Seth leading over forty adults in prayer back home, and exactly one week from when I kissed her good-bye at my door, I had to kiss my sweet 23 year old daughter in law good-bye for the last time as she passed from this life to be with the God she loved.
Soon afterwards I brought my devastated, but physically whole son home. The outpouring of love, prayers and support from our Pastors and church family as well as the amazing grace shown to us from the US Air Force in Idaho, has been incredible. My own brothers and sisters circled around us like an old Western Wagon Train. What I discovered however was as amazing as the support has been, it cannot shield or protect you from the pain you feel.
My husband and I have talked about how surreal it is to go to work everyday, and otherwise look and function normally, but this isn’t normal for us. We joke about how we miss “our old life.” We feel like we are living in another dimension, “a time lost in time.” Grief is a state of being that feels ‘unreal’. For me personally, grieving has brought me closer to the reality of eternity than I would otherwise experience, making this temporal life, become...well, more temporal. It doesn’t feel as real as before. I don’t feel like I fit in my old life anymore than I felt I fit in my first day of Junior High.
I am grateful to know that “abnormal feelings under abnormal circumstances are normal,” and that God will one day, as he has so many times in my life, reveal his greater purpose. So much personal suffering and hope for healing will result in bringing glory to God. That is the God I love. That is the God Samantha loved. I trust in Him.
God’s word in 2nd Cor. 12:9 says: “My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” In Psalm 46:10: “Be still and know that I am God.” So for now, for this season God has called me to lay down everything I knew of my life before, so that I might know on a deeper level, the God who did not spare his own son, yet chose to spare mine. I want to know Him.
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Hello, Kelly. Braxton here. In your words I hear not just strength, but its parents: faith and trust. Faith in God's purpose as being beyond our knowledge is abundant in your heartfelt words. Your ordeal is beyond my understanding. Your faith is an inspiration to me. My inability to offer nothing but my love, support and prayer for your family's healing is humbling. If there were something that could change this situation and take the pain from our hearts as if by magic, we would not live in this beautiful and abundant world that God gave to us. It is His greatest gift to us, we are His greatest creation. As imperfect as this life seems, it is such a miracle to have the days we are granted by our creator. Even these terrible days are a gift from Him. The emotions we experience are sometimes so hard for us to accept and to bear, that at times we need to lean on the comfort of Jesus to find hope. Sometimes only faith can help us make it through. The body of Christ is reaching out to you through brothers and sisters you have yet to meet. Your story touches the deepest part of our hearts. My heart breaks for you just as I KNOW God's heart breaks for you. In the end all we have to give that matters is our love. I know you wish you could have shared more of it with Sie, but she knew. I know you wish you could take Kevin's pain away but it is a part of who he is now, and this is part of who we all will become. Faith in God's mercy even though we cannot see it at a glance is the only hope we have. He will calm the hurt as only He can through the comfort of His Holy Spirit. This pain too shall pass but will not go without leaving its mark and changing us forever. I love you and your family. I thank God for your friendship. I pray daily for other thoughts to become important enough to move the tragedy you are all suffering farther from the all encompassing center of your attention. I pray that your hearts will heal and that in time happiness will find its way to the forefront of your daily existence. This time you are in now is a time many others of us are in with you, shoulder to shoulder. None of us feel the pain you feel, we can only vaguely imagine. We may not be able to bear much of your burden but we are here for you. Please lean on the comfort of those who can help, and forgive those who just want you to "feel better" for they, by the grace of God, have not been where you are now. Thank you for having the courage to share your predicament and your feelings in this forum. I am honored to read your words and my heart is deeply touched by your effort. May God hold you in the comfort of His loving embrace and carry you through these troubled times into brighter days. Your friend, Braxton
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing Kelly. Samantha's life has touched me. Your family and their Faith has changed me.
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